6 Communication Mistakes We Make in Relationships

What defines the quality of life? According to Belgian psychotherapist Esther Perel, the answer is: relationships. But what makes a relationship really work?

Many factors go into a strong, healthy relationship. Honesty, trust and common interests are all important qualities to have when it comes to maintaining a healthy relationship, but Jay Shetty says communication is the anchor all relationships need to succeed.Though your communication skills may be on par, we all make mistakes – intentional or unintentional – from time to time. The consequences words have can reach far beyond what we imagine. Good communication equals a good relationship, and a good relationship equals a good life. Identifying where your skills may be lacking and making changes will keep your relationship on a higher plane of love and understanding. In this article, Jay Shetty unpacks six typical relationship mistakes and lays out how to fix them.

Don’t Hijack Your Partner’s Pain

Your partner comes home from a long day at work. By the look on their face, you can tell it was bad. They open their mouth and begin to tell you about the stresses of the day. How do you respond? Do you empathize with a listening ear, or do you jump in and answer that your day was horrible too? If your go-to response to your partner’s pain is to hijack the conversation and one-up them, you need to stop.“Their moment of vulnerability should be received with empathy, not with your complaint,” Jay Shetty explains. “If your partner is complaining about their pain and what they're experiencing, right then is not your opportunity to share what you're struggling with.”If your response to their bad day is about how bad your day was, you have removed the sacredness of the intimate connection your partner seeks. But why is it that it’s so easy to bring up our own complaints when our partner shares their pain?“We've been suppressing things and keeping them locked inside,” Jay Shetty explains. “We don’t want to bother others. We want to be a people pleaser. The moment you spot that psychologically, someone else has given themselves permission to be vulnerable and open, you give yourself permission. The only issue is you're giving yourself permission at a time when their pain needs to be a priority.”You want to be seen and heard. Opening up when your partner does feels like an easy way for you to get the sympathy and empathy you are looking for. But sharing right then only makes your partner feel forgotten and gives them the impression you don't care about them or what they are trying to say. Jay Shetty says to resist the urge for validation in their moment and meet them with compassion and empathy. Create an opportunity for them to talk about their day in a safe, loving environment. When they are finished, you can ask them when is the best time to tell them about your day. These simple changes allow you and your partner to use your vulnerability to forge a stronger connection.

Taking Time for Yourself is Okay

Jay Shetty references Creative Counseling owner Garrett Coan’s advice that couples who spend 70 percent of their time together and 30 percent of their time apart often have the healthiest relationships. It’s important to take time for yourself. A weekend away, a day trip, or a few hours to refresh your spirit is something everyone needs. Spending time apart is a great way to pull you closer together and create a connection. Just make sure you’re communicating your need for time to yourself with care. Sometimes when you tell your partner you need space, they take it personally thinking you want space from THEM, even when that’s not the case. “Communicate why you need space,” Jay Shetty says. “Share what you are using it for. If you simply say what you want, but not why you want it or how you're going to use it, that can be massively misinterpreted.”People like clarity, and a simple explanation for why you want something is the clarity most people need to calm the insecurities in their minds. “Self-doubt is a big deal,” shares Jay Shetty. “Imaginations run wild when people are tired and hear the words, ‘I need space.’ They start to think, ‘They're bored of me and don't want to be around me’ or feel they are not interesting enough. If you're tired and exhausted and you let your imagination loose, chances are you're going to come to a pretty scary realization or takeaway.”

Check the Language You Use

Anytime you use language alluding to an end of your relationship, it creates cracks that are hard to repair. “Language that pertains to things ending or being over, or language that borders on being threatening and puts the relationship into question are damaging,” explains Jay Shetty. When you’re angry, think about the words you say before you speak. Investigate your feelings before you communicate them. Think about what is real outside of the situation you are in. Are there times when you feel frustrated more than others? Pinpoint those times and talk to your partner about them. But keep it in perspective by reminding yourself of things your partner has done for you that make you feel loved and appreciated. “It's not that they don't care at all,” Jay Shetty says. “There may be certain times you don't feel they care about your time. Communicate to them about it. Tell them there are a couple of times a day where you feel they don't care about your time, but acknowledge the times they've made you feel loved and appreciated.”Changing the direction of the conversation allows you to communicate your frustrations and feelings without using harsh language. It also allows you to let your partner know you appreciate the things they do for you, taking the argument right out of the conversation.

Honesty Plus Love

When honesty and love meld together, it transforms a relationship. All too often, however, it’s easier to lean one way or the other.“What we do isn’t one or the other either,” Jay Shetty explains. “We love them to death, but inside we're not happy with what they're doing. Or we're honest with them, but then we don't share love and attention. It is important for us to think about how we can share honestly with love.” Love has the power to change the heart. There's a beautiful quote by Russell Barkley which says, “The people who need the most love often ask for it in the most unloving ways.”According to Jay Shetty, when you see someone acting out of spite, arrogance or insecurity, it is often a plea for love. Take a step back and meet their needs with love, honesty and understanding. If you meet their actions with spite, arrogance or insecurity, it increases those things. We have to realize, ultimately everyone is simply seeking love.

Communicate the Improvements You Want to See

If you want to see changes in your partner, you need to clearly communicate that to them and let them know you believe they can make the changes. “One of the biggest mistakes we make when we're giving feedback or sharing things we want our partner to improve on is that we put them down,” Jay Shetty says. “We say ‘You never do this. You always do that.’ This doesn’t build confidence or make them feel they can do it.”When you tell your partner what you want and expect them to just do it, it feels like an ultimatum, especially when you reinforce the times when they don’t live or act up to your standards. This creates an environment that feels too unsafe for the person to want to grow. When people feel demoralized or discouraged, they think there's nothing they can do. They stop trying because it feels unreachable and unattainable. Instead, tell your partner you believe they’re capable of making the changes you wish they would make. Make it a joint decision, suggests Jay Shetty. You are in this together, so reiterate you want to build a strong, powerful relationship with them.

Communicate What You Need

In his book The Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman talks about the five ways people like receiving love – quality time, acts of service, gifts, words of affirmation and physical touch. Don’t make your partner guess what your love language is. Tell them what it is so they know how best to show you love. “Stop trying to get people's respect indirectly,” Shetty says. “Put your ego aside and tell them the respect you need and want.”Taking steps to improve your communication is like building the foundation for your house. The stronger the foundation, the longer the house will stand the test of time. Good communication helps build and strengthen a relationship. Jay Shetty encourages everyone to reflect on the steps they have taken to improve the quality of their relationships, and to ask, “What can I add to ensure my relationship is unshakeable?”

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode on “6 Communication Mistakes We Make in Relationships and How to Fix Them” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.

1 Chapman, G. D., & Chapman, G. D. (2014). The 5 love languages. Northfield Publishing.