Drew Barrymore & Jay Shetty ON Reframing Society's Expectations of Love

This On Purpose episode's guest is Drew Barrymore, actress, producer, director, and author known for her work in film and television.

Barrymore shares her early observations of human behavior and how she learned to differentiate between people's performative actions and genuine personalities.

Moreover, she opens up to Jay Shetty about her personal struggles. Becoming famous early on and having a difficult relationship with her mother impacted her deeply. As a result, she slid into alcohol abuse, which she eventually overcame. Now, she dedicates her time to her family and close friends without being in a romantic relationship.

Finding Herself

Barrymore explains to Jay Shetty that being aware of people who act differently in different rooms and contexts is crucial. However, she adds that labeling someone as a bad person is not always so simple. First, you need to understand the circumstances that affect their behavior.

Barrymore shares with Jay Shetty an example of a woman she observed in a theater group. The lady would beat her chest and cry out before her performance to get emotional. The actress found it interesting to witness how people prepare for their performances. She also recalls being hyper-aware of how people treated each other, even as a child, and was put off by those who weren't nice to everyone.

Moreover, Barrymore explains that she always looked at everybody's actions to decide what kind of human she wanted to be. She believes that observing people's behavior is a skill that develops over time and notes that she started doing it very early. She recalls that as a child, she had a lot of grit and was fearless, but now as an adult, she is more shy, respectful, and cautious.

Navigating Criticism

Jay Shetty shared an experience from his time in a monastery where he complained about a negative monk known for being critical, comparing, and complaining. However, when one of the monks asked him what he didn't like about the individual, he realized he was doing the same thing by complaining about him. This moment of realization made him stop and reflect on his own behavior.

Barrymore had her own experiences with gossip and negativity. She grew up around people who talked trash about others. It made her realize that she did not want to be around them or be that person. As a result, she gravitated toward people who didn't engage in gossip. The actress also holds herself accountable for her reactions when she is tired, andtries to handle situations differently by remembering triggers to help her react more positively.

It is vital to be mindful of your behavior and reactions and to be kind and empathetic toward others. Sometimes, managing negativity and criticism when you are busy can be challenging, but being mindful and self-reflective can help. For this reason, Barrymore told Jay Shetty that she is working with a therapist who doesn't deal with toxicity and helps her master her reactions. She emphasized the importance of recognizing that the only thing one can control is their reaction and not the actions of others.

Overcoming Alcohol Addiction

Drew Barrymore opened up to Jay Shetty about being in an institution for two years as a child. This experience made her feel less alone because she realized other kids were also going through difficult things. She also acknowledged that many children experience extraordinary circumstances that are often difficult for adults to comprehend.

Barrymore explained to Jay Shetty that self-forgiveness was a new concept for her and felt like an open wound that had not yet healed. She had always been forgiving of others but had never learned how to forgive herself. The actress believed that forgiveness was a gift to someone else and did not realize that it could also be liberating for herself.

Moreover, Barrymore believes the change to be the ultimate form of liberation. Stopping drinking was a significant shift that made her think she could change. Self-reflection and self-mastery were vital on her journey to recovery. Barrymore acknowledged that it took work. Still, she also recognized that it was necessary for personal growth and healing.

"Roommates" Shame And Guilt

Shame and guilt impacted Barrymore's life. However, she emphasized that actual change comes from going on an inner journey and not just focusing on external changes like quitting drinking. She believes shame and guilt are prevalent in everyone, even those who appear confident, and it's essential to let go of them to move forward.

Barrymore admitted to Jay Shetty that she felt pain and guilt growing up without a nuclear family. Moreover, she had a complicated relationship with her mother. She wanted to work on her guilt and shame, saying, "I'm 47, and I don't want to die carrying this with me. Like, I will shift this. It's time. It's been long enough." She compared letting go of shame and guilt to kicking out bad roommates and taking charge of one's life.

Barrymore also talked about her shame and guilt about drinking, as many of her negative experiences were linked to alcohol. "I felt pain and guilt and shame every time. I did feel like I acted in a way that wasn't as gracious and patient as I wish I could always be," she shared with Jay Shetty. The actress described shame and guilt as "roommates" she had for her entire life and resented them. However, she recognized that these emotions were holding her back and draining her energy and that it was time to let them go.

By working on herself, Barrymore started seeing the progress, although it took a lot of work. Despite the challenges, Barrymore remains committed to self-improvement and not staying stuck in negative emotions. "Don't stay stuck. Get on with it. Get out of bed, put one foot in front of the other, and start doing dishes; you'll start feeling better, I promise," she told Jay Shetty.

Connecting To The Inner Emotions

It is no secret that Drew Barrymore grew up in the entertainment industry. This experience took a toll on her emotionally. While her work was structured and required her to assume different personas, it also encouraged her to access and express her true feelings. Barrymore credits the sense of safety in these environments to the participants' honesty and lack of judgment.

Barrymore recalls when she was "ghosted" after being promised a date and felt hurt and uncertain about the situation. However, she reframed the experience as an opportunity for closure and appreciated the honesty of the other person's actions. The actress' friend Barry suggested that she write herself a post-it note in the style of the Sex and the City episode in which a character is broken up on a post-it note. She found this exercise empowering, and it helped her let go of negative feelings about the situation. This practice can be applied to other scenarios where one feels unsafe or uncertain.

Barrymore encourages listeners to discuss their feelings and let go of secrets, noting that "letting out secrets can be really liberating." She acknowledges that she still has many secrets and fears about being judged. Yet she highly values the ability not to be afraid of what others may think.

Love Life

Drew Barrymore shares with Jay Shetty that she has been single for seven years and feels fulfilled in her life with her daughters, friends, and co-workers. She has created a balance in her life that she fears could be disrupted by a new relationship. However, she feels pressure from society to find romantic love.

Jay Shetty believes society has placed romantic love on a pedestal and that our love for our friends, family, and even strangers is just as important. He emphasizes that love is not about finding "the one" but embracing all forms of love we experience. Jay Shetty argues that the idea of finding true love has been ingrained in our minds since childhood. Still, this notion is not necessarily supported by wisdom traditions. For example, a mother's love for her child is the closest to unconditional love, which should be celebrated just as much as romantic love.

There is more to life than finding completeness in romantic relationships. Unfortunately, people often idealize their partners, leading to high expectations and, ultimately, more pain when those expectations are unmet. As a result, they tend to overreact in romantic relationships, and it would be better to approach them similar to friendships.

Jay Shetty and Drew Barrymore both reveal that they have intentionally chosen to be single for periods in their lives. For Jay, it was in service of his spirituality, while for Barrymore, it was in favor of her children. However, both acknowledge they do not feel incomplete without a romantic partner. While her children inspire the actress to be her best self, no romantic partner has ever come close to the inspiration and change that her friends have brought to her life.

Jay Shetty believes that spending time being single and seeking out other types of love can be powerful. Yet most people do not take advantage of this opportunity as they are too focused on chasing the fulfillment they believe can only come from romantic relationships. Instead, prioritizing yourself and investing in personal growth can be a form of self-love that is just as important as any romantic relationship.

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode on “Drew Barrymore ON Reframing Society's Expectations of Love & How to Know When to Let Go of an Unproductive Relationship” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.

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