Jay Shetty & Stephan Speaks ON How to Meet Your Soulmate

Have you ever struggled to bridge the gap between how men and women experience love, communication, and emotional healing?

In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty welcomes relationship expert Stephan Speaks (Stephan Labossiere) back to the show for a deeper exploration of fundamental differences in relationships. They discuss why genuine self-acceptance, open dialogue, and healing past wounds are crucial for forming successful connections. 

3 Reasons Why Relationships Fail

Stephan Labossiere explains to Jay Shetty that people claim to date the wrong person. In his view, there are three key causes for this mentality:

1. Ignoring the differences between men and women.
2. Refusing to accept your true self.
3. Failing to address and heal from past traumas.

The relationship coach believes that, to make a relationship work, men and women need to acknowledge their differences. In a relationship, everyone has a different role, and it is essential to avoid the presumption that you are both the same and embrace your dissimilarities.

Moreover, Labossiere told Jay Shetty that going into a relationship by faking specific characteristics about yourself will eventually bring you sorrow. He explains that the façade you put on (pretending to be more ambitious or more laid-back than you actually are) will eventually collapse and reveal your true self, often leading to disillusionment and regret. Therefore, the relationship coach urges the listeners to stay true to themselves when meeting a potential partner.

Moreover, unhealed childhood or past wounds make us more defensive and fearful. While everyone is seeking love and acceptance, people who carry trauma are sometimes terrified of being truly vulnerable in front of others. Therefore, it is crucial to heal, so that you can find someone who will fall in love with your authentic self.

Accepting Differences and Embracing Authenticity

Stephan Labossiere explains to Jay Shetty that a successful relationship is one in which both partners acknowledge and honor their differences, instead of denying them. Women need more emotional intimacy, while men seek more physical intimacy. By failing to see both partners' contrasting perspectives, couples end up communicating past one another.

Jay Shetty shares his personal experience with Radhi - they have different personalities, but they make their relationship work by respecting each other's way of being. Instead of forcing endless shared activities, they allow each other to pursue their own interest individually. Labossiere agrees that trying to mold someone into a mirror of yourself will eventually create discontent.

Moreover, the relationship coach believes that you should stay true to yourself from the dating phase. If you pretend to be someone you’re not, you are only misleading your partner and giving them false hopes. Being truthful from the beginning helps avoid future resentment.

The Power of Healing Past Wounds

Stephan Labossiere tells Jay Shetty that unresolved trauma stands as the number one barrier to healthy relationships. Hurt from childhood neglect, an ex-partner’s betrayal, or even toxic family messages can warp how people see themselves and potential lovers. When we don't explore the roots of our pain, we often end up unknowingly recycling them into each new relationship.

According to the relationship coach, people tend to choose partners who don't truly challenge them, because they feel safe. It is a protection mechanism, to keep away from triggers and exposing your vulnerabilities. These partners could be someone you are moderately attracted to, or someone who meets your family's expectations, but never ignites true passion. Constantly avoiding exposing yourself for fear of being emotionally hurt again sabotages any potential genuine connection.

Jay Shetty reminds the listeners that true intimacy involves risk, the willingness to disclose your fears and desires, and the courage to trust. So, healing starts with understanding your past trauma and wounds - you can try different practices, be it therapy, journaling, or spiritual practices. They will help you uncover why you resort to anger, defensiveness, or need constant reassurance. Once healed, you will be able to love more boldly.

Have the Talk Right from the Start

Jay Shetty addressed how modern dating can easily turn into love bombing, when one partner inundates the other with excessive affection or gifts. According to Labossiere, it is only problematic when it isn't reciprocated or when this behavior is used to manipulate the other partner. When both people feel the same way about each other, they will show equal signs of enthusiasm toward each other, demonstrating a strong mutual attraction.

However, besides showering each other with gifts and attention, it is essential to understand if you are compatible in the long run. Jay Shetty calls it due diligence: he believes that asking questions about your values, ambitions, family, and lifestyle expectations is a must at the very beginning of a relationship. If these aspects of your life don't match, it is crucial to talk them through and assess if you can find common ground or if the relationship is bound to fail in time.

Labossiere emphasizes the importance of clarity from the beginning, instead of being swept away by blind romance. There is no fixed amount of time you spend together to be able to decide if you are compatible, but you should always do the due diligence and have these difficult conversations before rushing into marriage or a long-term commitment.

Navigating Ambition and Differences

Jay Shetty and Stephan Labossiere discuss how couples can embrace their differences and aspirations. Some people want a fulfilling career, while others may be more family-oriented. Whatever you and your partner envision, genuine synergy occurs when couples understand and accept each other’s drive. For example, a career-driven individual might value having an equally ambitious partner, as long as they agree on how to balance time and responsibilities. Conversely, if only one partner enjoys a slower pace while the other one thrives in a fast-paced environment, it could lead to tensions.

Jay Shetty opens up about his marriage - he and his wife have different approaches to handling schedules and priorities. Yet, they support each other's dreams without forcing themselves to want the same thing. Labossiere warns that real incompatibility arises when someone dates a fast-moving, financially successful person in search of a lifestyle upgrade but later resents their extended work hours or frequent business trips. Therefore, it is crucial to be honest with yourself "What do I truly want?" and "Can I thrive at someone else’s pace?"

Negative Stories and Stereotypes

Stephan Labossiere explains to Jay Shetty that social media changes people's views on dating, where sensational stories become widespread, although they reflect only a minority of cases. He talks about horrible dating experiences, from cheating, ghosting, to materialistic or toxic partners.

Another reason why we hear so many bad dating stories is that people often leave out information when telling a story, Labossiere told Jay Shetty. When talking to their friends about a failed date or relationship, people tend to omit their own mistakes, which often leads to stereotypes and misinformation about the other party, both men and women.

Therefore, the relationship coach advises the listeners to take these stories with a grain of salt and ponder whether they are indeed reflections of a majoritarian behavior, or do they only exaggerate rare extreme behaviors? Nothing is black or white, and people are complex beings. So, Jay Shetty suggests approaching each person with openness, because not all men or women are the same.

Communication Roadblocks and Emotional Maturity

Sometimes, communication can be difficult, especially if the other partner refuses it. Jay Shetty wanted to know from Labossiere the reasons behind this behavior and how to initiate a dialog with someone unwilling to communicate.

The relationship coach explains that people tend to avoid communication for two main reasons:

1. Some people genuinely don't see the need to discuss certain topics in detail; they don't assign emotional significance to them.
2. Some people may be reserved because they suffered past trauma and learned that speaking up doesn't end up well for them.

To approach your partner when they refuse a conversation, Labossiere suggests first creating a safe environment for them to open up - if your tone becomes too harsh or judgmental, your partner may shut down. Alternatively, you may try expressing your thoughts in a letter. This way, you both have more time to process the information while writing or reading it, and it gives you the chance to process your feelings calmly.

However, if the other party categorically refuses communication, the relationship may stall. The inability to show vulnerability or take emotional accountability in front of your partner will only keep the relationship shallow. Labossiere told Jay Shetty that genuine emotional maturity involves listening, validating, and actively addressing each other's concerns, even if they initially seem minor or irrational.

Understanding Breakups and Moving Forward

Breakups can shatter our confidence and leave us wondering whether real love exists. It's common for people to interpret it as a personal failure or believe their ex never truly loved them. Stephan Labossiere told Jay Shetty that we need to distinguish between love and the viability of a relationship - sometimes, people can love someone deeply, yet be too wounded or incompatible for the relationship to work out.

The relationship coach recommends giving yourself a set period to grieve the separation. Feel free to cry, express your feelings, and let emotions out, but beware of prolonged despair. Just like with physical training, a setback doesn’t undo all progress, but it can derail momentum if you give up. So, a breakup shouldn't affect your capacity to bond with others.

Sometimes, although painful, separation can be for the best. It's not always because of a lack of love, there are many reasons behind a breakup, such as timing, cultural expectations, financial difficulties, or other external pressures that a couple can't withstand. It is essential to be aware of all the factors that influence your breakup, so you can heal, find closure, and move on.

Time, Readiness, and Second Chances

Stephan Labossiere expressed a firm belief in the “right person, wrong time” concept. He gave Jay Shetty examples of couples who reconnected after many years, when they were both more mature and had dealt with their issues. However, having a strong connection is not enough to guarantee success - you also need to be emotionally ready and in the proper context.

However, the relationship expert warns against holding on to an ex out of nostalgia. It is essential to make progress in life, to grow, heal, and understand who you are as a person. Only then can you assess if you are truly compatible with a potential partner, either new or someone from your past.

Labossiere and Jay Shetty agree that healthy dating and lasting relationships rely on self-awareness, emotional vulnerability, and mutual respect. You also need to be willing to work on yourself and evolve constantly, alongside your partner. 

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode “Stephan Speaks ON 7 Ways You Are Blocking Yourself From Meeting Your Soulmate (Change Your Patterns to Find the ONE)” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.