Jay Shetty ON 4 Relationship Struggles We Go Through

The pandemic has made it difficult for people to form deep connections with others.

In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty talks about the importance of healthy relationships. He has been focusing on this topic, particularly in his new book, Eight Rules of Love.

Jay Shetty notes that many people are successful in various areas of their lives, such as their careers or friendships. Yet they struggle to succeed in their romantic relationships. He believes this is because we need more education on healthy relationships and building genuine connections. In this episode, he breaks down the four key challenges every relationship will face and how to alleviate them.

Technoference

Technoference refers to the interference of technology in our relationships with others, particularly our romantic partners. This can occur when one or both partners are distracted by their phones, laptops, tablets, or TVs while trying to interact. Even if both partners are physically in the same space, the presence of technology can create a sense of emotional distance and disconnect.

"Even when we're in the same space, even when we're in the same room as our partners, if they are distracted while watching a show, on their phone, on their laptop doing some work, we know that their attention isn't with us. And therefore, even if someone sits with us for an hour or two hours or three hours, it feels like less than three minutes," Jay Shetty shared.

A study found that technoference occurs in around 70% of relationships, making it a common experience for many couples.1 It also found that 38% of partners even send texts or emails during conversations with their partners. This can be a significant source of stress and frustration.

One of the challenges of technoference is that it can lead to miscommunication and misunderstanding between partners. For example, when one partner is distracted by their device, they may not be fully present or engaged in the conversation. This can make the other partner feel neglected or build resentment because their needs are not being met. On the other hand, distracted partners may feel their multitasking efforts need to be more appreciated and understood.

Couples must set clear boundaries and communicate their needs effectively. Instead of assuming that your partner will automatically prioritize your relationship over their devices, try asking for their undivided attention when you need it explicitly. This can be especially important when sharing important news or discussing sensitive topics.

"Ask your partner, 'when can I have your undivided attention? I have something really important to share with you,'" Jay Shetty advises the audience.

It's also important to recognize that technology can be valuable for staying connected with our partners. It is applicable, especially in long-distance relationships or when busy schedules make in-person interactions difficult. However, it's important to balance using technology to enhance your relationships and keeping it from detracting from your ability to connect meaningfully.

Quality Time Together

There are several strategies that couples can use to minimize the negative impact of technoference on their relationships. One approach is designating technology-free zones. Alternatively, establish device-free times when both partners agree to put away their devices and focus on spending quality time together. This could be as simple as having a device-free dinner or setting aside a specific time each day for focused conversation and connection.

Another approach is to use technology mindfully and intentionally to enhance communication and connection. For example, couples could use video chat to have virtual dates. Similarly, you can send thoughtful messages throughout the day to stay connected even when physically apart.

Ultimately, the key to overcoming technoference is prioritizing your relationships and consciously connecting with your partner meaningfully. You can maintain strong and healthy relationships even in the age of constant digital distraction by setting clear boundaries, communicating effectively, and mindfully using technology.

Loose Connection

The second challenge is finding ways to be truly present with one another. With the prevalence of technology and the constant distractions of everyday life, it can be challenging to fully engage with our loved ones. That is why Jay Shetty emphasized the importance of committing to putting devices away and connecting in the moment.

"Presence creates intimacy. Intimacy creates connection. Connection creates longevity," he explained.

Jay Shetty recommends mirroring, a technique popularized by Chris Voss, an FBI negotiator, to further enhance the ability to be present. Mirroring involves repeating the last few words that someone said. This way, you will also better understand the other person's message.

Many couples struggle to manage the stress of work and home life. With so many people working from home, creating boundaries and finding time to decompress can be challenging. Unfortunately, this can lead to high-stress levels and self-doubt, ultimately taking a toll on our relationships.

A survey by the American Psychological Association found that 65% of people named their job their top source of stress.2 In comparison, only 37% felt they were managing it well. Jay Shetty notes that this can lead to feelings of failure at work and home, resulting in self-doubt and heightened stress levels.

Integrating Calmness Into Your Relationship

To combat stress, Jay Shetty suggests finding physical cues that help you transition from work to home life. For example, lighting a calming diffuser and playing relaxing music can create a more peaceful and restful environment. This can help you unwind and connect with your partners.

Creating a home sanctuary is essential for your well-being and relationships. People need a place to feel safe and rejuvenated to face the world's challenges outside. In addition, you can build stronger, more resilient relationships by prioritizing your home life.

Finances

Finances are one of the couples' most significant stressors. Jay Shetty highlights that money is a topic that can lead to arguments around financial planning, budgeting, and more. The Gottman Institute has conducted extensive research on this subject. They found that couples who experience these kinds of financial disagreements tend to struggle more in their relationships.3

A study by the Pew Research Center also showed that 29% of millennials lack sufficient financial support for marriage, yet 70% still want to get married.4 This finding indicates that young adults today value the institution of marriage but may need more financial stability to support it. Additionally, Jay Shetty shared that millennials are three times more likely to stay unmarried than the "Silent Generation," born between 1925 and 1942.

However, Jay Shetty noticed that many focus more on the wedding day than the actual marriage regarding commitment and finances. As a result, it is common to see couples spend excessive money on their wedding day without considering how much they invest in their relationship.

The more significant the wedding expenses, the higher the chances of divorce, according to a survey completed by over 3,000 adults in the United States.5 This survey revealed that women who spent more than $20,000 on their weddings had a higher divorce rate than those who spent between $5,000 to $10,000. In contrast, couples who paid $1,000 or less on their big day had a lower-than-average divorce rate.

Invest in The Marriage, Not The Wedding

Jay Shetty explains that a lavish wedding does not guarantee a happy marriage. While having the wedding you want is lovely, it is more important to invest in your relationship. Whether you're married or not, investing in your relationship is vital to maintaining a healthy, long-lasting partnership, he continued.

Investing in your relationship can mean different things to different people. It could mean spending quality time together, going to couples therapy, or communicating your needs, desires, interests, and concerns.

Regular communication is critical, and talking about the life you want, your goals, your aspirations as a couple, and your expectations is essential. Couples therapy is also an excellent option for those who need or want it. It isn't a sign of weakness, but a chance to work through issues and learn effective communication techniques. Couples therapy has been proven effective in improving relationship satisfaction and reducing conflict.

Chores

The Gottman Institute found that chores are the final thing that causes relationship challenges.6 Jay Shetty shared that in the beginning, we may be happy to do much of the work, but over time, if we don't feel our partner is contributing equally, we may label them as lazy, or unhelpful.

It is unfair to expect another person to pick up your slack. Your relationship with chores and housework is often based on what you witnessed growing up. For example, if you saw your mother doing everything, you may expect the woman in the relationship to do likewise. Similarly, if you grew up in a family where your father helped, you might expect the man to help out more.

Structure around Chores

Having a cleaning roster is important, Jay Shetty said. Put it in a place where everyone in the house can see it each week so they can visualize who is meant to do each task..

Bringing our expectations and projections from our own experiences and expecting the other person to want to do it that way is detrimental to a relationship.

Creating a new standard together is essential, especially as life changes. For example, your partner may have picked up an extra job, or you may be spending more time at home or starting a new side hustle. These expectations need to be reset and reassessed regularly.

Stay Mindful

Jay Shetty encourages the audience to commit to putting their devices away at times and finding ways to be fully present with each other. Practice mirroring and active listening to understand your partners better and build deeper connections. Moreover, prioritize your home life, creating a sanctuary to help you manage everyday stresses and build solid, lasting relationships.

Lastly, remember that the investment you want to make is in your commitment to each other. Therefore, focus on building a solid foundation for your relationship by investing in each other and your future together. Doing so will increase your chances of having a healthy, long-lasting partnership.

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode on “4 Relationship Struggles We Go Through and 6 Steps to Connect More Deeply” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.

1McDaniel, Brandon & Coyne, Sarah. (2014). “Technoference”: The Interference of Technology in Couple Relationships and Implications for Women’s Personal and Relational Well-Being. Psychology of Popular Media Culture. 5. 10.1037/ppm0000065.

2Stress in AmericaTM Infographics: March 2022.” American Psychological Association, March 2022. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2022/infographics-march.

3Benson, Kyle. “Arguments About Money Aren’t About Money.” Web log. Gottman Institute (blog), August 15, 2016. https://www.gottman.com/blog/arguments-money-arent-money/.

4Author, No. “Millennials in Adulthood.” Pew Research Center’s Social & Demographic Trends Project, March 7, 2014. https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2014/03/07/millennials-in-adulthood/.

5Francis-Tan, Andrew and Mialon, Hugo M., ‘A Diamond is Forever’ and Other Fairy Tales: The Relationship between Wedding Expenses and Marriage Duration (September 15, 2014). Available at SSRN: https://ssrn.com/abstract=2501480 or http://dx.doi.org/10.2139/ssrn.2501480

6Benson, Kyle. “4 Typical Solvable Relationship Problems.” Web log. The Gotttman Institute (blog), April 7, 2017. https://www.gottman.com/blog/4-typical-solvable-problems-relationships/.