Jay Shetty & Matthew Hussey ON 5 Reasons to Stop Missing Your Ex

In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty welcomes Matthew Hussey, a New York Times best-selling author, speaker, and coach specializing in confidence and relationship intelligence.

Hussey shares insights from his new book Love Life, a practical guide for raising standards, finding the right partner, and living happily. He discusses strategies for improving love lives, overcoming breakups, and fostering self-love.

Learning About Love

Hussey shared with Jay Shetty how early experiences shape our understanding of love. His first idea of love came from observing his parents and media portrayals. Growing up, his values evolved; he now prioritizes peace in a relationship, a value that emerged only later in life for him.

Hussey admitted that his previous relationships lacked peace - it is not enough to focus on attraction and chemistry alone, because this can lead to a troubled relationship. When he was younger, he also wanted to be seen as heroic in relationships, but this facade impeded him from revealing his insecurities.

When someone dismissed his vulnerability and deemed it unattractive, he was even more convinced that he needed to be perfect and not show weakness. However, over time, he learned that true partnerships are built on deeper connection and understanding rather than maintaining a pretense of strength.

Peaceful vs. Boring Relationship

Jay Shetty and Matthew Hussey discuss the distinctions between peaceful and boring relationships. In their view, it takes maturity to understand the difference between the two. Hussey explained how he often created unnecessary chaos because his nervous system was conditioned to seek mini-dramas to feel a rush of adrenaline. Often, people confuse the lack of drama with a lack of excitement in a relationship.

Hussey shares that meeting his wife, Audrey, introduced him to a peaceful yet fulfilling relationship. With her, he feels safe and at home. He explained to Jay Shetty that minimal physical attraction is also a crucial basis for a happy relationship. However, the most critical aspect is feeling seen and understood and feeling a deep, meaningful connection.

Some people compare stable relationships with past intense, often fleeting experiences. Short-term passion can feel very intense; Hussey told Jay Shetty, "That's like literal fireworks. [...] And you look at those fireworks. But if those fireworks carried on for three hours, [...] you'd be bored. "

Hussey stressed that lasting relationships require a balance of attraction and deeper emotional connection, where both partners feel at home and can be their true selves. It is, therefore, essential to distinguish between a peaceful yet fulfilling relationship and a dramatic one.

Sculpt the Perfect Relationship

Jay Shetty addressed the constant exposure to the choice that we face in today's world; it can feel overwhelming when searching for a partner. Hussey explained that people often chase idealized versions of a partner, which leads to dissatisfaction. In the past, he constantly sought a new beginning, which made him anxious and unhappy. Only when he met his wife, Audrey, he realized they could build a meaningful life together.

Hussey believes the idea of "settling" is outdated. He told Jay Shetty, "What if it wasn't settling for? What if you decided to settle on because when you settle on someone, there's a power to that." He explained that successful relationships require settling on someone with the right raw materials and shared commitment. Instead of focusing on perfection, he suggests building something extraordinary together.

In his book, Hussey shares advice for those struggling with indecision in their love lives. His goal is to help them find peace and happiness by raising their standards and communicating effectively.

Standards vs. Tactics in Relationships

Setting standards and clear boundaries in a relationship is essential, yet they can sometimes feel intimidating and risk pushing people away. However, they are an essential foundation for a healthy relationship.

Hussey explained to Jay Shetty the difference between standards and tactics. Standards define who we are and remain unchanged regardless of the outcome. On the other hand, tactics are short-term strategies meant to achieve a result (e.g., playing hard to get). In retrospect, Hussey admitted to lowering his standards because of his low self-esteem.

Happiness is crucial in a relationship, and it should not mean clinging on to a specific person, even if they make us unhappy. Hussey warns against judging someone based solely on their external features, such as charisma or attractiveness. It is important to understand what you need and if your union with that particular person is beneficial for you. Don't endure unfulfilling relationships just because they look good externally. Hussey calls this "a special kind of hell."

It doesn't take great self-confidence to start establishing your standards. Hussey believes that memory of the pain in past experiences is a good motivator for learning that you deserve better. To get into a healthy relationship, you first need to find peace and fulfillment from within.

Ego and Self-Acceptance

Jay Shetty and Matthew Hussey explain the difference between ego-driven and genuine standards and how they contribute to our happiness. In Hussey's interpretation, egoic standards often stem from judgment and a lack of self-compassion. Some people quickly dismiss potential partners based on superficial traits or differences. It takes inward reflection and humility to accept others where they are and not treat them worse only because your backgrounds don't coincide. Instead, Hussey advises to be open to the wisdom others may bring from their life experiences.

Hussey shared his personal stories with Jay Shetts, explaining how chronic pain and heartbreak humbled him and increased his compassion for others. As a result, he learned to accept himself and became more accepting of others. Hussey believes that genuine growth makes a person more open and inclusive of others, not the other way around.

Moreover, Hussey advised the listeners to understand the reasons behind someone's actions. Actions result from a thought, but different people can do the same thing for very different reasons. By improving your communication, you can avoid making quick superficial judgments and also understand where the other person is coming from.

Having Difficult Conversations with Your Partner

Communication is vital for a healthy relationship. Jay Shetty noted that you can only understand if you fit together after having thorough conversations about various topics. Often, the most uncomfortable discussions can be the most revealing for assessing compatibility. It also shows how you and the other person handle challenges and difficult conversations early on.

Matthew Hussey quoted Christopher Hitchens, who once said, "The essence of the independent mind lies not in what it thinks, but in how it thinks." He believes the basis of a serious relationship is the willingness to engage in real, deep conversations. He explained that avoiding difficult discussions because of discomfort can lead to resentment and unexpressed needs. So, he argues that genuine growth in a relationship comes from addressing issues directly - this practice can bring you closer together.

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People tend to make quicker yet more superficial judgments in today's fast-paced world. Often, behaviors get labeled as red flags without understanding the context or the reasoning behind them. Hussey explained to Jay Shetty that while some behaviors indicate deeper issues, many can still be resolved through honest communication. It is, therefore, important to address any shortcomings early on in the relationship and look for progress in resolving them.

Communication Is Key

Hussey suggests leading by example in a relationship—taking initiative, setting a positive tone, and creating a culture of communication and intimacy. However, if your partner doesn't reciprocate, it's a sign to reassess the relationship.

Moreover, Hussey explained to Jay Shetty that people often act unlike themselves just to be liked. This behavior can create a misinterpretation of their true needs and desires; when the facade breaks down, it will lead to disillusion, confusion, and frustration. Therefore, he advises the listeners to be genuine and clarify their expectations, needs and wants early in the relationship.

People also avoid being very honest for fear of being perceived as high-maintenance or overly emotional. Yet Hussey emphasized that expressing genuine feelings and needs is crucial for establishing a real connection. He argues that intentionality in communication (even admitting to feeling jealous) can deepen the relationship. This openness helps both partners better understand each other and sets the stage for a more authentic and fulfilling connection.

Know Your Needs

Jay Shetty shared that hiding your true needs is detrimental to the relationship. If you set untrue standards, it can lead to communication problems, which, in turn, can turn into deeper issues for the partners. Hiding what you need for fear of rejection can lead to built-up resentment.

This is why Hussey suggests discussing expectations early on in the relationship; understand each other's communication styles, boundaries and necessities. This is also a good way to determine whether a relationship is holistically fulfilling and if you can work out together in the long run.

Jay Shetty and Matthew Hussey emphasize the need to assess relationships based on overall compatibility and meeting fundamental needs, such as feeling safe and valued. In Hussey's view, there are four levels of importance that are crucial for a successful relationship:

admiration,
mutual attraction,
commitment,
compatibility.

He explained that compatibility means how well partners handle each other's imperfections; this trait determines the longevity and quality of the relationship.

Dealing with Heartbreak

Breakups can leave deep wounds and also lead to self-doubt. Jay Shetty shared that some people tend to internalize the blame and fear they will never find another partner. This way of thinking often leads to a dark, lonely path. Yet he highlights that healing from a breakup doesn't happen overnight; it is a long and gradual process without a fixed timeline. It requires you to sit with the discomfort, process it, and heal.

Moreover, Hussey mentioned an experiment done on mice—one that chose when and for how long to go on a wheel, and the second mouse constantly on the wheel and made to move when the first one moved.¹ The result showed that the pain we chose (the first mouse) increased well-being, while the pain that came upon us (the second mouse) increased stress levels.

So, Hussey tells Jay Shetty that he advises the listeners to make the pain of heartbreak intentional - digest it little by little but in a deliberate manner; only you can steer your thoughts. Hussey adds that breakups can trigger intense self-questioning and feelings of inadequacy. Therefore, it is essential to practice self-compassion during these trying periods and celebrate small wins (such as getting out of bed in the morning).

Lastly, missing someone from the past is like missing a ghost, Hussey told Jay Shetty. There is no such thing as the right person at the wrong time; he believes that this idea creates unrealistic expectations - people you met in the past change and are someone else today, and so are you. If you were to meet today, you'd be two different people, not the same ones that met in the past. Therefore, Hussey emphasizes assessing a relationship's overall potential and focusing on compatibility and mutual commitment.

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode on “Matthew Hussey ON 5 Reasons Why There Is No Such Thing as the Right Person at the Wrong Time & How to Stop Missing Your Ex” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.