Jay Shetty ON 2 Misconceptions About Love

Jay Shetty wants the audience to get to know him better as a person. Therefore, in this On Purpose episode, he shared a conversation with his therapist, Haesue Jo.

During his interview, they discussed love and how people approach it. It is essential to understand internal validation is the key to a successful relationship. You also need to be open to accepting your partner as they are.

Learning How to Love

Jay Shetty believes relationships are sacred and require an exchange of positive and healthy energy between two people. He sees relationships as a safe space where trust is established, and openness is not used against each other. Knowing the other person's intentions is crucial for building strong and healthy relationships. However, Jay Shetty confesses that his initial understanding of love came from watching movies that portrayed a glamorized view of love. As a result, he wanted to be in love and give love without genuinely understanding what love required from the other person. He used to be overly giving and pleasing to people he was attracted to. He wanted them to like him, validate him, and make him feel special. This behavior led to issues in his early relationships. Eventually, he realized that authentic relationships are about knowing and understanding the other person rather than just seeking validation from them.

Loving As a Young Adult

Teenagers commonly engage in emotionally charged activities such as substance use, sex, and alcohol. Yet these can have dramatic consequences for young people's mental health later in life. Jo believes it is challenging to reconcile such activities later in life as adults.

Jay Shetty believes that mistakes are part of the learning process of becoming adults. However, in the absence of parental guidance, some mistakes can become damaging and traumatic in the long term. For example, he shares that his parents wanted him to date only to get married. Therefore, he did not tell them when he began dating at the age of 14. Jay Shetty acknowledges that navigating the dating life early on is complicated, and parents may need to be conscious of why they set specific rules. But ultimately, parents want their children to absorb the world safely and lovingly.

Teachings of Celibacy

Jay Shetty lived as a monk for three years. During this period, he spent plenty of time clarifying and redefining what love meant to him. As a result, he had time to rethink his expectations from a potential partner. He developed patience, commitment, discipline, and mindfulness skills, which later helped his relationship. After leaving the monastery, the only person he dated was his wife. He now feels a lot more stability, commitment, and love in his relationship with her than he ever felt before. Spending time alone and redefining what love meant helped him develop a healthy and positive attitude toward relationships.

Jay Shetty explained the primary reason for celibacy is to create a sense of focus and aligned energy. He suggested we all have a certain amount of energy. The more things we add in, the more our energy is drained in different directions. By being celibate or not having a job, a monk can focus all their energy on self-mastery and self-realization. Anything not related to the pursuit of self-realization is seen as unimportant at that stage of life. Jay Shetty also mentioned that carving out the entire time for yourself and self-realization is a beautiful commitment to yourself. The upside is that you don't have to become a monk to do it.

Seeking External Validation

Jay Shetty also reflected on his past relationships and how he sought validation from others. Finally, he realized he didn't like himself enough and was overcompensating by buying someone's love with grand gestures. Yet he married someone who didn't value gifts to the same extent. It took him a while to understand that grand gestures don't equal love and that there are other ways to show your feelings.

Jay Shetty better understood himself and his tendencies toward seeking validation from others by focusing all his energy on self-mastery and self-realization during his time as a monk. This realization allowed him to cultivate a more profound sense of self-love, which he continues to work on.

Moreover, Jay Shetty argues therapy is a great way to carve out exclusive time for yourself every week. It can help you understand yourself to a deeper degree. Learning about who you are and what you want and need is a healthy way to invest your energy exclusively in self-realization.

Learning A New Love Language

Individuals often have unique ways of expressing and receiving love. Therefore, it is vital to understand and accommodate your partner's love language. Jay Shetty shares that he learned his love language from his mother. She regularly saved money to buy him the one big gift he wanted every year.

However, when he married his wife, he realized that gifts were not as important to her as spending quality time together, which was more important in her family. Jay struggled with this, believing gifts were the best way to show love. He eventually learned that, for his wife, quality time was more important. He also realized that he loved gifts not because of the actual present but because it made him feel understood. It was a way for him to feel seen and heard.

Jo emphasizes love is about more than just how you want to give it; it's expressing it so your partner can receive it. People often assume their partner will appreciate love expressed in the same way they would, but this is not always the case. Therefore, it is necessary to communicate with your partner and understand their love language. Expressing and receiving love in a way your partner can appreciate takes time, but it is worth it.

It can become challenging when two people in a relationship learn about each other's love language simultaneously. It can sometimes be frustrating, but being patient and communicating openly is essential. Getting to know each other on a deeper level is a journey that requires effort and understanding. But, in the end, it is worth it to create a strong, loving relationship.

Making It Work

Sometimes, people with very different backgrounds start a relationship. It is essential to who they are and what they bring into the relationship. Therefore, having an open ear and mind is paramount for understanding their background and perspectives.

Jay Shetty shares his experience of over-loving his wife and making her feel guilty for not reciprocating the same affection. He gives an example of planning a spontaneous weekend activity and then feeling upset when his wife doesn't plan something in return. He realizes he hasn't expressed his needs clearly and expects his partner to understand his unspoken desires.

Haesue Jo emphasizes the importance of stepping outside yourself to understand the other person's perspective. She encourages the audience to try to recognize where the other person is. Try to get a clear understanding as to where the other person is coming from and acknowledge their contributions to the relationship. This not only applies to romantic relationships but also to friendships, family, colleagues, and teammates.

It's A Fine Line

Keeping tabs and calculating equality in a relationship can lead to resentment and pain. Conversely, genuinely loving relationships involve acceptance and trust without fear of rejection or keeping score.

Jay Shetty shares an example from a past relationship where he overcompensated out of fear of losing the person, even though he wasn't doing anything wrong. He reflects on how low self-esteem can lead people to tolerate bad behavior. They fear being alone, leading to an expectation for the other person to fill their empty glass.

Jo compares entering a relationship with an empty glass to entering it with a full glass. Both individuals can love out of abundance without expecting to fill each other's glass. Jay Shetty also admits that he enjoyed the chase of proving himself worthy in past relationships.It is essential to understand your intentions in a relationship and be aware of whether your actions are driven by fear or love. It can often be a fine line between the two. Moreover, acceptance, trust, and self-love are crucial in building healthy, fulfilling relationships.

What Is Love?

Long-lasting relationships often come with their challenges. Yet they are worth fighting for. It all starts with the body creating certain hormones that lead to feeling love. For example, dopamine is a neurotransmitter released when something good happens. It motivates us to continue pursuing good things. However, in a long-lasting relationship, there are times when it doesn't feel good, and it can be challenging to know when to keep going.

Jay Shetty highlights the importance of both partners wanting to work on the relationship and themselves. He believes the question is not whether he will work on the relationship. Instead, it is whether he is willing to work on himself for his partner and whether his partner is willing to do the same. In previous relationships, Jay Shetty felt that no matter what he did, the other person would never be convinced he loved them. But then, he realized he was dating people who were always trying to fill their cups, and no matter how much he wanted to serve them, they still felt thirsty. In contrast, in his current relationship, he thinks his partner is already quite full, so everything else is a bonus.

Jay also emphasizes the importance of having open and honest communication without judgment. He and his wife regularly have difficult conversations about the direction of their relationship. He believes it's natural for relationships to go off track, and what is important is how you get back on track. Both partners must be willing to work on the relationship and themselves. They must communicate openly and honestly and let go of their egos. He believes relationships are not always easy, and sometimes they don't feel good. However, it's essential to focus on the underlying feeling of love and to work together to get the relationship back on the right path.

It's in Your Hands

Taking accountability in relationships is essential. It is beneficial to adopt an "us versus the problem" mentality rather than an "I versus you" mentality. Haesue Jo and Jay Shetty explain it is crucial to acknowledge most relationships have two sides. So then, taking accountability for your actions is necessary to build healthy relationships.

Jay Shetty notes that choosing a side and sticking with it is easier. Still, it is harder to hold two seemingly opposite ideas and figure out how they connect and correlate. Jo adds that the "I versus you" mentality can be emotionally more straightforward for some people because it puts up guards and protects them from taking accountability. However, she notes owning up to one's part in a relationship can be uncomfortable and painful. Yet it is necessary for building healthy relationships.

Jay Shetty encourages the audience to seek therapy if they need help in their relationships. He emphasizes that relationships are constantly evolving, and it is essential to continually refresh and reflect on the ideas and skills discussed in the segment.

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode on “Jay Shetty ON 2 Misconceptions About Love & How to Turn Toxicity into Healthy Boundaries” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.