Jay Shetty & Nicole LePera ON Breaking Trauma Bonds

Have you ever wondered why some of your relationships seem stuck in unhealthy patterns, no matter how hard you try to change them?

Do you find yourself repeating cycles of frustration, miscommunication, or even pain and wonder why it's so hard to form truly healthy, fulfilling connections? What if the answers lie in your past, in experiences you might not even remember but that continue to shape your emotional world?

In this On Purpose episode, Jay Shetty welcomes Dr. Nicole LePera, a leading holistic psychologist and best-selling author, to help uncover the hidden forces driving dysfunctional patterns. Dr. LePera reveals how deep-rooted trauma bonds formed in childhood can keep us stuck in toxic cycles and talks about how to finally break free.

Take Charge of Your Life

Nicole LePera emphasizes that many people feel stuck, mainly in their relationships. This sense of being trapped often stems from subconscious beliefs and past traumas that govern behavior and reactions. She explains to Jay Shetty that true change requires awareness of these underlying issues and the physiological responses accompanying them. By recognizing these factors, you can create space for choice and transformation in your life.

When dealing with toxic family members who trigger negative responses, LePera suggests an empowering shift in perspective: instead of expecting toxic people to change, you should focus on personal growth. LePera advises shifting your perspective by asking yourself, "What can I do?" rather than waiting for the other person to change.

Moreover, she highlights that long-term relationships often create predictable dynamics, which can be disrupted by personal change. To navigate these relationships more easily, she suggests adjusting your expectations. Additionally, she strongly advocates for setting boundaries and adjusting your engagement with those who do not provide the necessary support.

Letting Go of Childhood Expectations

Jay Shetty and Nicole LePera discuss how childhood experiences subtly influence our adult relationships. LePera notes that many of us maintain unrealistic expectations, often rooted in past experiences and emotional fantasies from childhood. People may cling to a hopeful fantasy to see a partner's unchanging behavior over decades improve.

LePera emphasizes that this tendency to project expectations onto partners often stems from childhood experiences where we lacked support and emotional attunement. Many people carry these patterns into adulthood, and it affects their relationships. She highlights to Jay Shetty that emotional responses learned in childhood shape how we engage with our emotions and others. In some cases, it leads to roles that may feel unfulfilling.

Real change can only come from within. It is, therefore, essential to become self-aware and commit to growing on a personal level. You will better navigate relationships once you understand how early experiences shaped your current behaviors. It will teach you to cultivate emotional resilience, no longer relying on others to change.

Allowing Yourself to Grow Up

In some couples, discrepancies in their values show up in the most trivial occurrences, such as doing chores. It often stems from an internal conflict between their ingrained beliefs and the need to adapt to their partner's values. LePera explains that past experiences can trigger disproportionate emotional reactions in adult relationships.

The psychologist shared with Jay Shetty how she grew up learning that acts of service equated with love. In her adult years, she had emotional responses to the lack of such acts of service from her partners (like doing the dishes) because it brought her back to her early years.

Open Communication

When such triggers arise, communication plays a crucial role in avoiding escalations. LePera explains to Jay Shetty that you can increase the level of understanding and compassion in your relationship when you open up to your partner about your emotional triggers. Usually, the reaction we have is not triggered by the present action, but it stems from our unmet expectations of emotional connection and attunement.

Jay Shetty and Nicole LePera agree that self-awareness and communication are key to breaking the cycle of reactivity and promoting more fulfilling relationships. People often struggle to verbalize their needs and celebrate significant moments due to past experiences. Therefore, creating an environment in which you can open up to your partner about your needs and offer them a safe space to share theirs has the potential to strengthen your bond and diminish heated emotional reactions. Communication should be about exploring and understanding one another rather than making demands.

Recognizing Real Love

If you come from a chaotic background, you may experience difficulty in recognizing real love; sometimes, familiarity with chaos can be mistaken for comfort. LePera told Jay Shetty that we must retrain our nervous system to feel safe and secure in uneventful relationships, too. She explains that conflict and disagreement are natural in any partnership. However, the goal is to learn how to return to a state of safety and connection after such moments.

Not learning the signs of real love during childhood can make it difficult to identify them as an adult. Some people have a hard time identifying how they really feel. Some may feel disconnected from their bodies, often stemming from unresolved childhood anxieties and health issues that went unvalidated. Jay Shetty opened up about his struggles with anxiety during a time when mental health was not a hot topic. His doctors dismissed his symptoms, and he started shifting his attention from his body to his mind, losing touch with his body.

LePera argues that people should view love as a combination of feeling and action, rooted in awareness, compassion, and the ability to connect with others. In order to experience love and be there for others, you need to first be present in your own body. The reconnect doesn't happen at once, it is a journey, and it involves daily commitment to your emotional and physical well-being. The psychologist advocates for gentle practices that foster awareness and connection, yet you need to understand that building these skills takes time and intentional effort. Grounding yourself in your body is equally important, to help with cultivating love and emotional resilience.

Understanding Your Thinking Patterns

When it comes to health and illness, people often have a complex relationship with their bodies. Jay Shetty admits to having had negative feelings toward his body, especially when dealing with health issues such as a painful tonsil infection. He explained how a conversation with a friend changed his perspective - he was encouraged to view his affections as his body's way of communicating its needs rather than it being an adversary to be criticized. This made Jay realize that physical symptoms are signals indicating the need for care rather than mere sources of frustration.

Similarly, Le Pera suffered from chronic pain and illness; however, when she dug deeper into the issue, she realized they stemmed from her desire for connection with her mother. She explained to Jay Shetty that the relationship with her body often leads to fears of catastrophic illness or the desire to be sick for emotional attention. It takes effort to change these deep-rooted beliefs that formed through past experiences. However, it is essential to pay attention to the signals your body sends you and try to understand the underlying cause.

To heal, it is helpful to start by rewiring your thought patterns, such as acknowledging harmful beliefs and taking conscious, embodied actions to foster new, healthier beliefs. During his time as a monk, Jay Shetty learned that thoughts are like scripts: we can rewrite them through rehearsal and awareness. The body plays an essential role in shaping thoughts and beliefs, so LePera advises the listeners to embrace a holistic approach - understand that your health encompasses both mind and body, and you need to tend to both for overall well-being.

Defining Trauma Bonds

The term "trauma bond" is widely spread today. Jay Shetty and Nicole LePera define it as a relationship characterized by dysfunctional habits formed in early childhood. The psychologist adds that trauma bonds arise from abuse. It encompasses a broad range of relational patterns that feel familiar and predictable. She explained that these patterns, while initially protective, can become unhealthy and repeated throughout life.

Jay Shetty notes that people often feel attracted to partners that sustain their learned toxic habits. This happens because we tend to gravitate toward familiar dynamics rather than making conscious choices. Therefore, it is essential to understand our past and how we can potentially end up in a trauma bond due to our upbringing.

LePera emphasized the importance of intention when breaking these cycles. It is not only your past that you need to look deeper into, but you also need to have open conversations with your partner, to understand theirs, too. This exercise may lead to healthier relationship dynamics and more satisfaction in the long run. Trauma bonds are not set in stone, and it is possible to work your way towards a more fulfilling relationship.

Healing the Inner Child

Another common concept in today's language is the "inner child work" - it focuses on understanding unmet needs from childhood. LePera explains to Jay Shetty that the "inner child" represents the subconscious aspects of ourselves shaped by early experiences and adaptations. Many adults struggle to fulfill these inner child needs, and so they often feel disconnection and confusion in their lives. To tend to these suppressed emotions, the psychologist recommends practicing emotional and physical self-care.  

As adults, we all play a role (e.g. caretaker or overachiever), as protective mechanisms formed in childhood. While externally, they may keep us feel safe and earn others' recognition, they often don't align with our authentic selves. When you are in disalignment with whom you are as a person, exhaustion and dissatisfaction almost certainly follow. So, LePera explained to Jay Shetty that we need to intentionally become aware of the roles we play.

To reconcile the multiple roles you play, the psychologist recommends embracing your authenticity and shedding the protective shields you built around yourself. She admits that the process may feel destabilizing, yet it is necessary for growth. By letting go and grieving past identities, you can create healthier relationships with yourself and others and feel emotional fulfillment.

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode on “Nicole LePera ON How to Break the Cycle of Trauma Bonds & Stop Toxic Relationship Habits” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.

‍