Jay Shetty & Jada Pinkett Smith ON Moving from Shame to Self-Acceptance

In this On Purpose episode, Jay Shetty welcomed Jada Pinkett Smith as his guest. Pinkett is an actress, producer, musician, and author. he is also one of the hosts of the Red Table Talk show. Today, she discusses her new book, Worthy.

Am I Enough?

Pinkett opens up to Jay Shetty about feeling neglected as a child due to her parents' addiction issues. Her father's revelation at age seven that he couldn't be her father left her questioning her self-worth and internalizing feelings of inadequacy. Pinkett admits that even though she believed her parents loved her, she often felt she wasn't enough. She reflected on her complex emotional journey, discussing her struggles in her relationships with men, influenced heavily by the absence of a fatherly figure in her formative years. 

As she grew, Pinkett became more aware of her emotional immaturity concerning intimacy. She tells Jay Shetty that growing up in a violent environment further complicated her understanding of love and relationships. However, her perspective shifted as she realized that life is more about love than power and ego.

Despite the challenges, Pinkett expresses immense gratitude for her journey and the continuous awakenings about the love she experiences. Her grandmother, Marianne, was a significant influence in her life, who instilled in her the legacy of love. Marianne encouraged young Pinkett to explore the world and seek its treasures, constantly reminding her of her worth.

Suicidal Thoughts

Pinkett reveals to Jay Shetty that during her 40th year, she was in such despair that she had plans for her life to end in a way that appeared accidental. Moreover, she explains that in such mental states, clarity is often lacking. The desire is primarily to escape unbearable pain. Such struggles are often invisible; many endure silently, not wanting to burden others. Having an "exit plan" sometimes gives Pinkett a twisted form of solace. 

The actress' turning point was her experience with plant medicine, which, although controversial, she credits with saving her life. Through a challenging four-night ceremony, she confronted deep-seated self-hatred, emerging with a renewed will to live.

Having Empathy for Others

People often invalidated Pinkett's feelings by pointing out her achievements. She advises against dismissing someone's struggles based on external appearances and, instead, encouraging open dialogue. 

Jay Shetty emphasizes the importance of genuine compassion. It involves understanding and meeting someone where they are in their journey rather than projecting one's perceptions onto them. Pinkett asserts that it's healing when someone genuinely tries to understand and be present, but also emphasizes that individuals must be open to seeking and accepting help.

Breaking the Mold

Jada Pinkett Smith grew up in an environment where drug dealing was the norm. Few around her dared to break the mold of that life. However, she moved to LA at 18, believing that achieving fame and success in Hollywood would solve her problems and those of her loved ones. 

Pinkett credits her mentors, such as Donald Hicken, and her experiences at the Baltimore School for the Arts for fostering her talent and pushing her towards the arts. A pivotal influence was the iconic rapper Tupac Shakur, who encouraged her to come to California and believed in her potential. Upon reaching LA, Pinkett admitted to Jay Shetty that she was driven to succeed. She was convinced that attaining wealth and fame would resolve her internal struggles and challenges. 

Yet despite her soaring career and popularity, Pinkett still felt unhappy. The realization came that external success doesn't shield you from personal struggles. While having supportive friends like Tupac was empowering, Pinkett's inner world was in chaos. She initially sought external solutions, including moving to a different location or seeking solace in relationships. 

Friendship with Tupac Shakur

Pinkett revealed to Jay Shetty that her relationship with Tupac was purely platonic. Despite the lack of romantic feelings, their connection was deep, based on mutual understanding and respect. They were able to support each other. They knew each other's vulnerabilities, especially their shared experience of having mothers who had a substance use disorder. Their bond allowed them to be honest with one another without the complexities of a romantic relationship.

Moreover, Pinkett believes that some of the most profound connections she's had with men didn't involve sex. She views sex as something that can cloud relationships, introducing complications. An energetic connection, on the other hand, has a level of purity. Pinkett emphasizes that her relationship with Tupac was based on pure love and understanding without ulterior motives.

Pinkett shared with Jay Shetty her regrets about not being present when Tupac was shot in Vegas and not talking to him for a year before the incident. What haunts her is the feeling of helplessness about his untimely passing and wondering if she could have done more.

A Seemingly Fairytale Love

Pinkett opens up to Jay Shetty about her relationship with Will Smith. Their journey together wasn't the typical fairy tale romance many imagined. They faced initial challenges, with Smith coming out of a divorce and their life quickly accelerating due to fame in their early 20s. 

Pinkett highlights the importance of transparency in their relationship, especially when surrounded by the temptations of Hollywood. They adopted a realistic approach, fostering a partnership built on open communication about potential temptations.

Throughout their time together, the couple experienced several breakups. Pinkett reveals to Jay Shetty that during specific periods, they were leading lives as single individuals, unbeknownst to the public. These separations contributed to misconceptions and rumors of an open marriage. 

During their 2016 split, both Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith led separate lives. They intended to address this together on Pinkett's "Red Table Talk" show. However, when the moment came, Smith wasn't prepared to share this with the world. Pinkett respected his decision, shouldering the narrative and the ensuing backlash herself.

Ready for the Next Phase

Jay Shetty paralleled Pinkett's experience to his own, recounting how he informed his community about his decision not to become a monk. Despite the varying contexts, both experiences represented a challenge to their established identities, resulting in ego death and moments of introspection.

Pinkett points out that the saving grace for her was that her family, including her kids, were aware of the entire journey. This understanding and trust from her family became her pillar of strength, even when faced with the world's judgment. It contributed significantly to her self-worth and self-love. 

Inspiring Relationship with the Children

Jay Shetty and Jada Pinkett Smith discuss the lessons Pinkett has learned from her children, Trey, Jaden, and Willow. She highlights the deep and meaningful relationships she shares with each of her kids.

Trey, who has an enormous heart, teaches Pinkett about seeing the best in people and situations. He constantly reminds his mother to recognize people's spirits over their personalities and has a profound spiritual journey himself. 

Willow, on the other hand, is a fireball reflecting Pinkett's fiery soul. She teaches her mother about love, particularly joining and connecting with others beyond their comfort zones. Willow's demands for affection challenge Pinkett's upbringing and teach her to embrace her emotions. 

Jaden, described as "walking joy," possesses a unique capacity to love everything, including challenging people and situations.

Pinkett's Take on the Oscar Slap

Pinkett explained to Jay Shetty that the 2022 Oscar slap incident, although seemingly straightforward to onlookers, culminated in various personal and shared experiences that many were unaware of. She suggests her book as a comprehensive resource to understand the intricacies of the situation.

Pink addressed the onstage moment with Chris Rock during the Oscars, relating it to her medical condition, alopecia. Her response was less about her feelings and more about her empathy for others struggling with the same condition. The incident had multifaceted implications, touching upon her ailment, history with Chris Rock, and even her bond with Will Smith.

Pinkett revealed that she and Will Smith had been confronting and working through various issues behind the curtains. Smith had been in therapy, processing past traumas and childhood experiences. Additionally, a significant backstory between Will Smith and Chris Rock added another dimension to their Oscars interaction.

Pinkett also voiced concerns about the prevalent culture that often places blame on women, urging a need for societal introspection. She aims to challenge these biases and admit her role in perpetuating certain narratives. 

Compassion for Chris Rock

Pinkett recounted when Chris Rock approached her after the Oscars and sincerely apologized. This genuine interaction was an accurate representation of Rock's spirit, she told Jay Shetty. Pinkett felt hurt by subsequent developments, like comments related to Netflix. Still, she didn't take them personally because she remembered Chris Rock's sincere eyes during their encounter. 

Pinkett hopes that Rock and Smith will be able to heal their relationship. She emphasized the transformative power of conflicts, which can amplify love. Also, she referred to her experiences as lessons that have expanded her heart's capacity for love.

Different Facades of Jada Pinkett Smith

Jay Shetty and Jada Pinkett Smith discuss the universal journey from feeling unlovable to finding love. Pinkett's memoir illustrates how she attempted to bridge the gap between feeling unlovable and lovable. She also highlighted the pain and challenges of this journey. The memoir is raw, lacking a perfect fairytale ending, making it more relatable. 

Pinkett shares with Jay Shetty the importance of internal strength and self-worth, emphasizing that seeking external validation is futile. The material world can't offer true comfort, which should emanate from within. She believes that regardless of superficial judgments or challenges, individuals are always worthy and lovable.

Defining the Relationship with Will Smith

Jada Pinkett Smith opens up to Jay Shetty about the challenges and growth she and Will Smith have experienced. Disruptive situations amplify love and necessitate diving deeper into the relationship. In a relationship, emotional maturity is vital. Pinkett and Smith have, therefore, been redefining their marriage to suit their unique bond, valuing it as a life partnership. 

While many question why they don't just divorce, Pinkett sees leaving as quitting. She values their bond, saying that no one else could embrace both the best and worst of her as Will Smith does. Their relationship isn't about pleasing each other but about growth and understanding. She views their union as a path to a deeper, more spiritually and emotionally sound version of herself.

To Pinkett, romantic love isn't the highest form of love but rather an aspect of a grander, more divine love. She believes that connecting a relationship to a higher source than oneself is the true power of love. She critiques the notion that partners should come ready-made. In her eyes, growth, understanding, and patience are essential in committed relationships.

Pinkett and Smith transitioned from romantic love to friendship. Despite imperfections, they prioritize their bond and work through challenges. Commitment to mutual growth and self-awareness play a crucial role in navigating misunderstandings. Their relationship is balanced with Smith's humor and Pinkett's introspection. They embody the Yin and Yang, complementary energies. While they share incredible chemistry, they acknowledge the occasional struggles inherent in any relationship.

Each Relationship Is Different

In today's age, many marriages are far from conventional. Some couples who are married live separately or have other partners. Therefore, Pinkett stresses the importance of individualizing marriage. It's not a one-size-fits-all arrangement. It's about mutual agreement between partners.

Jay Shetty shared that he and Radhi spend considerable time apart due to work and family commitments. This arrangement, though questioned by others, works for them. They cherish their time apart because it brings freshness and excitement when they reunite. Jay highlights the importance of open communication and mutual agreements in relationships, even if they might seem abnormal to society.

All relationships, romantic or otherwise, eventually pivot toward mutual growth. Jay Shetty explains that the greatest love stories aren't necessarily romantic but are about sacrifice for the welfare of others.

A Letter from Will Smith

Jay Shetty surprises Jada with a letter from her husband, Will Smith. In it, Smith praises Pinkett's book, Worthy. He expresses his amazement and emotional journey while reading it. The actor acknowledges the depths his wife delved into and wishes he had read it 30 years prior so he could've shown her more affection. 

Reflecting on Smith's words about wishing he had hugged her more, Pinkett interprets it as a desire for more understanding between them. She emphasizes avoiding "romanticized regret" and cherishing their journey, both the beautiful and challenging moments. Their growth as a couple and the blessings of their children, Jaden, Willow, and Trey, make their journey invaluable.

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode on “Jada Pinkett Smith ON How to Move from Shame to Self-Acceptance & Ways to Heal from the Past” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.