Jay Shetty & Tiffany Haddish ON 4 Ways to Navigate Complicated Family Relationships

In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty welcomed Tiffany Haddish, an Emmy, Grammy, and NAACP Image Award winner.

She opens up about her personal life, explaining how she navigated the past and what are her aspirations for the future.

Haddish discusses how important it is to stay true to her roots and give back to the community she grew up in.

Tiffany Haddish in a Nutshell

Tiffany Haddish believes the best part about being herself is the fun she experiences despite her challenges. At 21 years old, she felt the urge to brighten up others' moods by transforming their pain into laughter. When she realized this talent, relationships became easier for her.

Apart from performing, Haddish is interested in many things - she describes her room as a mix of a laboratory and a sanctuary filled with clothes, gadgets, and even a microscope. She likes to keep her interests private in her room, but she is also very interested in experimenting.

The comedian acknowledged to Jay Shetty that she collects clothes, knickknacks, and gadgets, often testing them in unconventional spaces like her bed. The cluttered room, she admitted, reflects the many thoughts in her mind.

Choosing Celibacy

Tiffany Haddish confirmed to Jay Shetty that she has been celibate for six months. To her, it is a form of self-respect; the comedian sees herself as a prize to potential partners, who must qualify for it. Even though she hasn't been intimate for half a year, she does, however, kiss. So, to keep her body active, Haddish does physical workouts; this is a healthy outlet for her energies and a way to manage any sexual frustrations.

But this idea of being the prize hasn't always been on Haddish’s mind. She admitted to Jay Shetty that her attitude towards dating and intimacy has developed over time. It takes her around a year to feel comfortable around someone, and when she does, it should be with the right person. 

Additionally, the comedian believes that genetic material exchange impacts your energy and can have long-lasting effects, especially on women's bodies. Therefore, she is now very cautious about whom she allows this level of intimacy with.

Learning From Unhappy Relationships

In her book I Curse You With Joy, Haddish elaborates on the complexities of relationships. She combines humor with deep emotional pain to tell her life story. She shared with Jay Shetty that the people she misses from her past relationships often caused her physical and emotional pain. One such experience was her relationship with someone who, despite being intellectually stimulating and fun, treated her poorly. Yet Haddish stayed because she was emotionally dependent, a feeling similar to substance addiction.

Haddish shifted her focus to other interests in an attempt to break away from unhealthy relationships. While she fondly remembers the fun aspects, the negative effects were substantial. These experiences taught the comedian to set higher standards for herself. Now, she associates a good credit score with responsibility and sees it as indicative of how well that person might treat her in a relationship.

Haddish shared with Jay Shetty her current criteria for potential partners - a stable career or business and no "baby mama drama." Moreover, the comedian prioritizes physical health and fitness, so her partner should be self-sufficient and healthy. She doesn't want to end up as the caretaker in the relationship if the circumstances could have been prevented in the first place.

Another aspect Haddish highlighted to Jay Shetty was that a potential partner should be able to engage with her lifestyle, including participating in gardening and not being afraid of her bees. She has hands-on hobbies and would like someone who enjoys these activities as well.

Coping Mechanisms

When Haddish needs a respite, she looks for ways to reconnect with nature. The comedian shared with Jay Shetty that she sometimes sits with her bees without any protective gear; she talks or sings to them and sometimes even complains, which her neighbors may find odd. To her, the hive's natural buzz is therapeutic, and she realized that it can even alleviate PTSD.

When she was younger, Haddish's friends were not bees but two imaginary friends. She named them Carmelita and Cracker, and Cracker was a bird. They were, in fact, coping mechanisms to help her navigate social interactions and manage her feelings. Carmelita was the friend who kept it fun while keeping people away or managing difficult situations with humor.

Always in the Spotlight

Tiffany Haddish discussed with Jay Shetty the challenges of her public life, especially the negative aspects of fame and social media. For her, being constantly criticized and talked about has been a persistent issue. The comedian finds that the impersonal nature of modern communication channels makes it easier to spread negativity into the world.

In the past, the confrontations happened face-to-face; however, today’s digital environment allows everyone to make derogatory comments without facing real-world consequences. Haddish sees the intense scrutiny as harmful because it negatively impacts not only herself but also the foster youth she works with.

Ironically, when the comedian confronted live some of her online “haters,” she discovered that they were very interested in her life. The online comments seem to have been a facade meant to mask their deep interest or even admiration for Haddish. Yet many of the online haters are actually bots. This realization helped Haddish better understand the digital landscape and the artificial amplification of online hate.  

Close Relationship with Her Mother

A turning point in Haddish's life, she tells Jay Shetty, was when her beloved mother suffered a severe accident that drastically altered her personality. She described her mother to Jay Shetty as her first love - she taught her how to cook, and they shared a very strong bond prior to the accident. Currently, the comedian is constantly trying her best to support and reconnect with her mother, and uses every possible resource to ensure she gets the best possible care.

Tiffany Haddish admitted to Jay Shetty that dealing with her mother's condition is an ongoing process. It started with grief and adaptation to the new situation, which she had to face even more when her grandmother died. Her grandmother was a protector and confidant to her and encouraged the comedian to persist through challenges. Losing yet another pillar in her life, Haddish found comfort in positive memories and humor, which she uses as a coping mechanism.

Haddish is torn between encouraging her mother's ambition to go back to school and concerns about potential risks due to her unstable condition. The comedian feels responsible for the well-being of her family, especially when it comes to protecting and supporting her mother. She is constantly adapting and growing through her experiences (both joyful and painful).

Need for Genuine Connection

Tiffany Haddish opened up to Jay Shetty about her need for genuine connection. Abandoned by her father at an early age and her mother changing after a severe accident left her without two of the most important people in her life. She was lucky to be reunited with her father later in life and was pleasantly surprised to find out he was kind. This encounter made the comedian crave parental affection and support more.

Haddish's mother was not the same after the accident. Her personality changed due to brain injury, leaving the comedian to miss the mother she was used to having. She explained to Jay Shetty that their bond evolved over the years - it was a journey of understanding and coping with the new reality while also getting rare glimpses of her mother's former self. These events left her yearning for her mother's love in how she was used to it.

Reunited With Her Estranged Father

Well into adulthood, Haddish received a phone call from her estranged father. She shared with Jay Shetty how she instantly recognized his voice, and it brought her back to her childhood. Meeting him after many years was an emotional experience for the comedian - she had many questions about her heritage and the reason why her father left. To her surprise, it turned into a learning experience about forgiveness and understanding; confronted with her father's explanations, she began to understand that his motivations differed from what she and her mother believed them to be.

At times, Haddish would let out her frustration and confront her father. She would have expectations from him that he couldn't meet in real life. However, they made up, and she felt appreciation for the second chance life gave her with her father. While the base of their relationship was built on trauma from both sides, they managed to overcome it and, over time, feel trust, respect, and admiration for each other. The comedian believes that everything happened for a reason and that perhaps it was a predestined journey to shape her family's legacy.

Self-Care Is a Process

Tiffany Haddish shared her healing journey with Jay Shetty her healing journey. After being reunited with her father and understanding his reasons for leaving, she felt as if part of her began to heal. Additionally, she went to therapy and read self-help books. Louise Hay's works were crucial in her healing process, as they taught her mantras and self-care practices that brought her comfort in her everyday life.

When Tiffany Haddish’s father died, it felt too soon. Yet the comedian had the strength to joke about burying his ashes in her backyard, to get tax breaks. She uses humor to overcome difficult situations.

Giving Back to the Community

Even after becoming successful, Tiffany Haddish chose to remain in the neighborhood where she grew up. She explained to Jay Shetty how important her community is to her—it is crucial to be a visible and inspiring presence for others. She wants to be an example of how you can achieve success even without leaving your roots.

Haddish noticed how property ownership changes people's behaviors - they are less prone to engage in risky activities, as their priorities change. This shift impacts not only them but the community as a whole. The comedian noticed a shift in the demographics of her community in the past years, as well as personal growth among her peers. She celebrates the success of those who managed to improve their situation and is committed to continuing her work for the community because she believes positive change is possible.

Endless Creativity

Tiffany Haddish's creativity knows no limits. She shared with Jay Shetty her wish to channel her imagination and inventiveness into various artistic and social initiatives. She dreams of creating an amusement park called "Tiffany Land". Moreover, her interest in music from the 20th century, especially from the 20s to the 50s, led her to perform in settings that recreate those times.

Haddish plans to express herself in many artistic ways; she wants to create impactful films and documentaries highlighting women's resilience. She aims to find a platform for the stories of strong ladies to be told, in the hope that it will inspire new generations of young women who currently feel hopeless in their situations. She envisions helping a broader audience than only her birth community and is devoted to being a role model for those in need of one.

Making Little Tiffany Proud

Jay Shetty wanted to know what young Tiffany Haddish would think about her current achievements. The comedian explained that "little T" (her younger self) would be proud of her accomplishments - owning multiple properties, supporting foster children and achieving the dream of appearing on the Arsenio Hall Show. Growing up poor, at times even homeless, Haddish believes that little T would appreciate the comfort of never having to worry about food or housing ever again.

Haddish believes that changing your circumstances is possible. She went from homelessness to being the successful comedian she is today. Therefore, she wants to pay it forward to her community and influence their behavior to drive positive change. She believes that having someone invest in the community is an essential factor in achieving personal and collective growth.

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode on “Tiffany Haddish ON 4 Ways to Navigate Complicated Family Relationships & How to Have Hard Conversations You Are Avoiding” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.