How to set the tone for success in any relationship.
Love is blind.
Can you hear the eye rolls from a couple who is newly in love when they are told this?
They think they are the exception to the rule. What they have is special, right?
There’s something about love and feelings that causes people to throw caution to the wind. Even the most careful people tend to lose some sense of reason when they’re swept off their feet.
Jay Shetty isn’t here to rain on anyone’s parade. He will not claim that true love can’t happen in an instant. Focusing on 6 things before falling in love will help set the tone for success in any relationship, however.
In a recent episode of On Purpose with Jay Shetty, he shared some thoughts on how to make conscious and intentional decisions about who and how we love. These intentions may help foster healthy and honest relationships while also keeping heartbreak at bay.
“Real love is always natural, real and organic,” explained Jay Shetty, “That doesn’t mean it has to be quick or instant.”
Love is a Heavy Word
The words “You’re fired” hit like a ton of bricks. “I want a divorce” is not a phrase to throw around. There is a serious and final tone to them, and no one finds the humor in heavy statements such as these being used jokingly or redacted months down the road.
So why can saying “I love you” be so flippant?
Jay Shetty explains that part of the issue he sees with unhealthy relationships is that the weight of love is not held appropriately.
“We make very big decisions based on a small amount of information,” Shetty said.
Diving into a new relationship is risky enough even for the most healthy and ‘perfect’ people. Doing so without a proper understanding of love and its nuances can create an environment of hurt and failed expectations.
“We have a tendency to assume or believe saying I love you means we are ready for love, or that hearing it from someone else means they are ready,” Jay Shetty said. “We just assume that we are on the same page about what it means. We don’t know what someone else is thinking, projecting, assuming, expecting when they say that.”
Every person has a different story. Culture, upbringing, experiences all come into play and result in every person having a slightly different understanding of the meaning of love.
Shetty explains that getting to know someone and their understanding of what love means and what is expected is an integral piece of relationship success.
Heart Love Vs. Mind Love
“There is no shame in taking things slow,” said Jay Shetty. He compared relationships to cooking, saying that allowing a relationship to marinate brings out the flavor in it. He encouraged listeners to really get to know the person, not just their personality or what is endearing about them.
Dive deep into what makes them tick, what they dream about, and what they need to be healthy and fulfilled.
“Don’t fall in love too fast,” Shetty urged. “You think you know their dreams, but you just know their plans. Plans come from the head, but dreams come from the heart.”
Taking the time to get heart level love will pay off in the end.
6 Standards For Success from Jay Shetty
Jay Shetty shared six insights that will help a person have the proper focus in a relationship and not fall in love too fast.
#1: How do you define love?
Ask yourself what love means to you and what you want love to look like.
Jay Shetty reminded listeners it’s not always fairy tales and unicorns. Going deeper than head knowledge helps a person set standards for themselves and for future partners. Doing the work to discover what you want or need love to look like before entering a relationship helps you keep a level head when emotions are raging.
#2: What are your love values?
It can be challenging when one person in the relationship values adventure and change and the other panics at the thought of it. Taking some time to reflect on what is important in the relationship helps set the stage for success. Do you value stability? Are reliability, comfort, and success at the top of your list? Is having children a non-negotiable?
“Just because you use the same words and language doesn’t mean you have the same values,” Jay Shetty explained. Knowing what you value in a relationship and in love will help you see if someone else’s values line up with yours. If they don’t line up, it’s better to know sooner before you invest a lot of time and emotion into the relationship.
#3: Where are you at in life?
You have worked hard to get to where you are. Will the person you are interested in support and propel you towards more success? Do they have the best interest of your dreams and goals in mind?
“Is the person helping you get closer to what you want,” Jay Shetty asked, “or are they drawing you away from it?”
#4: What are my top three priorities?
There are three questions about priorities to ask yourself before starting a relationship. It’s just as important to know what you DON’T want as what you do, and it’s okay to set limits.
- What would fill in the end of this sentence: “I would never date a person who…”?
- What is firm on your priority list?
- What are the things that you won’t budge on, no matter how attractive the person is to you?
Shetty says that having priorities based on the three questions above will help you be intentional in the relationships you pursue.
#5: What are three preferences I have when it comes to someone I am in a relationship with?
There are things we are attracted to in a person, and that is okay. They may not be a hill to die on, like the priorities mentioned above, but having an idea of preference helps make intentional decisions in choosing the right person.
#6: What are three points of need the other person has, and can I meet them?
Be honest about what the other person needs from you and if you will be able to meet that need. If you can’t meet their needs in the way they expect them to be met, they will not feel loved and you will feel drained.
Do they need help organizing their life? Can you do that? Are you able to provide the level of emotional support they need?
Assessing a person’s needs or expectations for a relationship before jumping in is important. Doing this can save dashed expectations and hurt feelings.
Love is a beautiful thing. Being in relationship with the right person can be a wonderful asset to life. Jay Shetty’s 6 things to focus on before falling in love will help set the tone for success in any relationship.
Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode on “The 6 Ways To Stop Yourself From Falling In Love Too Fast” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.