Jay Shetty ON 8 Rules of Love

Jay Shetty’s second book, The 8 Rules of Love, is almost here!

Regardless of your relationship status, whether you’re single, in a stable relationship, dating, or getting over a breakup, this book is for you.

Describing the process as a thrilling journey of researching and synthesizing information, Jay said, "I have spent the last two years pouring my heart out into the process of creating this book, everything from learning from my clients sitting down and researching cultures, looking at ancient wisdom, studying the modern science on dating, relationships, love, breakups."The 8 Rules of Love is ready for pre-order, and Jay couldn't be more thrilled. In this episode of ON Purpose, He shares with listeners what the book is about and answers his most frequently asked questions.

Why the Number 8?

The 8 Rules of Love is not about the word love, as we use it daily. Instead, it is about the feeling of love in its purest form. Jay Shetty based his approach on a Harvard study that claims the quality of our relationships is a critical indicator of human happiness.1

The number eight resembles the infinity symbol and makes us think about unconditional, eternal love. Moreover, it has a symmetrical shape. This symmetry inspired Jay Shetty to associate it with a healthy relationship in which two individual parties come together as one.

While researching for The 8 Rules of Love, Jay Shetty discovered the number 8 is the luckiest according to Chinese numerology.2 In a spiritual and karmic sense, it is all about giving back.

As Jay said, "It realizes that its successes are not its alone and will intentionally recognize and appreciate any help it has received. [It is] another key pillar to a healthy, powerful relationship."

Why Rules?

While Jay Shetty thinks of himself as a rebel in specific ways, he can't deny that some things can't be changed. There are certain universal rules and laws we cannot break. These are the rules that exist, whether you believe it or not. They are there, even if they don't exist in written form. And these rules apply in the same way, regardless of culture, background, or relationship type.Some relationships succeed while others fail. Those that succeed do so because they follow the rules. Before learning what the rules are, it is crucial to understand what a successful relationship means to us.

To Jay Shetty, a successful relationship is one in which people learn from each other, about each other, and about themselves at the same time. The length of the relationship doesn't necessarily correlate to its quality. "I don't see successful relationships as relationships that last. I see successful relationships as relationships that learn," Jay Shetty explained.

We yearn for love and lust, but we forget that challenges are what bring us forward. Our partners will not always be perfect. They will annoy and agitate us sometimes, but we get stronger and wiser by overcoming difficulties together.

The rules in The 8 Rules of Love aren’t meant to encourage or discourage you from doing certain things. On the contrary, they are rules beyond our belief system and have the potential to help you improve your life.

Subtitle of The 8 Rules of Love

The subtitle reads: "How to Find it, Keep it, And Let it Go." Jay Shetty admits to having thought of multiple variations before choosing the final version. He initially thought of using the subtitle, "How to manifest the relationship that you want," but it soon occurred to him that this might send the wrong message.

We tend to make long lists of the qualities we look for in a partner and measure potential partners according to our wishes. But unfortunately, this method might exclude a perfect partner just because they don't fully match our imaginary description. Jay Shetty believes learning about the person opposite us is more important. In this way, we can gain more intimacy and connection with that individual.

Find It

The 8 Rules of Love: How to Find it, Keep it, And Let it Go made sense, as one of the most popular online searches, according to Google Search predictions, is "will I ever find love." Although the title contains the word "find," Jay Shetty refers to building and creating the love you want.Our culture constantly searches for love, passion, and soulmates, but we don't discuss actively doing something in this direction. The book aims to create a mindset shift to help us stop searching for happiness and start making it ourselves.

Keep It

The second part of the subtitle refers to keeping the love we found or created. In Jay Shetty's vision, "keeping something is a lot harder than creating it." As a result, many upstart businesses stopped growing, and many one-hit wonder artists never produced a second hit. Maintenance is essential in any aspect of our lives, including love.

There is a misconception that things should remain the same if they are going well. We reminisce about happy moments in our lives and get lost in nostalgia. Instead, we should strive to create new memories and bring ourselves and our relationships forward.

We need to focus on growing. Our parents and teachers keep track of our development when we are young. They measure our height regularly, test our knowledge to see how much we've learned, etc. But once we finish our formal education, be it school, high school, or college, we stop tracking our growth.

We start living the same life day after day. It happens the same way with relationships. Often, marriage is the ultimate goal. But once we achieve it, things start to slow down in the relationship because we lose sight of our next milestone. "If you don't set growth, if you don't set new targets, if you don't set new, organic milestones, that's why life becomes boring….Keeping something is not about keeping it the same. Keeping something is about being open to change," Jay Shetty explained.

He hopes to trigger yet another mindset shift, in which we take it upon ourselves to keep developing throughout our lives.

Let It Go

People tend not to want to let go of what they already have. But sometimes, it is crucial to know the difference between experiences and people that come into our lives to serve a specific purpose and those who are meant to stay.

Jay Shetty quoted a proverb attributed to Imam Al-Shafi’i in saying, "What is meant for you will never miss you, and what misses you is never meant for you." We must understand that sometimes people come into our lives to either teach us a lesson, give us a blessing, or simply mess it up, and then they move on.

Recognizing the differences between the people entering our lives will allow us to realize that every encounter has a purpose. This is the third mindset shift explained in The 8 Rules of Love.

Why Write About Love Now?

Over the years, Jay Shetty has created many videos, posts, and podcasts dedicated to various topics, but the most consumed ones were about love. It seems our generation searches hard for the meaning of this word. We all want to experience that happy, warm feeling that love promises.

However, we are yet to have a general definition of love. Although it is the most overused word in the English dictionary, it is also the most underdefined.3 We learn about it from the media, movies, or our parents. Yet many of the descriptions we know are either limited or straight-out unhealthy.Harvard psychologist Tim Lomas analyzed 50 different languages and discovered 14 types of love.4 This finding means that we all have our unique definition of what this emotion means to us. We all experience it in a way nobody else can feel or express for us.

Best Marriage Advice?

The biggest mistake we make after getting married is seeing the wedding as a finish line. We married the person we love, and we can start our happily ever after. However, the reality couldn't be further from this ideal view.

As others have suggested, we must treat getting married as a starting line instead of a finish line. Jay Shetty's advice is to "expect your relationship to change, and hope for it to change, and even work to make sure it changes."

If you enter a relationship with the mindset that, despite your best efforts, things will also go south from time to time, you will have fewer unpleasant surprises along the way. It is essential to understand that the hurdles you overcome with your partner will strengthen your bond. This is how marriages have flourished over the years.

What If I Don't Want To Be In Love?

Psychologist Karin Arndt said, "Being alone well is an art form."5 We learn that love means being in a relationship with someone else. However, we must first love ourselves to have a healthy love relationship.

Jay Shetty believes self-love stems from self-respect. So when you follow up with your commitment, you will start to respect yourself. Then, you will begin to love yourself.

If we set an unreasonably high bar others, we will feel let down when they don't meet our expectations. Instead of depending on others for our satisfaction, we can learn the art of being alone and enjoying our own company.

‍The 8 Rules of Love offers practical tools to learn more about yourself and your partner. Inside, you can also find quizzes and questionnaires to help you understand unique parts of yourself and your loved one.

What About Dating Apps?

Technology made it easier for us to connect with others. Yet, the dating world is full of challenges. This is not the fault of any particular dating app but in how they are used. A study showed that more than half of online daters lie in their profiles.6 This makes it almost impossible to find a suitable match based on their information. It causes a challenge if you are looking to find your person online.

Moreover, having a plentitude of potential partners at your fingertips creates the false impression that there are always better matches. And so you keep on swiping left or right. Another study showed that we are inclined to make poorer decisions with more options.7

Jay Shetty suggests that you take your time to find the proper connection. He believes it is more important to dedicate more time to one person and learn all about them, rather than "relationshopping" behind a screen.8

Love Is Everywhere

Jay Shetty challenges the belief that love is hard to find. In his eyes, love is everywhere; we just need to look around and see it.

Romance is only one of the many types of love. This emotion hides in simple gestures such as holding the door for someone or bringing soup to a sick person.If you want to learn more about love and yourself, you can pre-order The 8 Rules of Love and read all that Jay Shetty researched on this topic.

Healthily using dating apps involves a clear intention, openness, and a high tolerance for refusal. Fear of rejection is one of the biggest hurdles in finding a great match. But you need to understand that everyone experiences rejection at least once in their lifetime. So if you build up the courage to put yourself out there in a sea of "no’s," you will find your "yes" that matters.

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode on “8 Rules of Love & Why You Shouldn’t Ignore Them” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.

1 Solan, Matthew. “The Secret to Happiness? Here's Some Advice from the Longest-Running Study on Happiness.” Harvard Health. Harvard Health Publishing, October 5, 2017. https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/the-secret-to-happiness-heres-some-advice-from-the-longest-running-study-on-happiness-2017100512543.

2 “Number 8 Meaning.” Numerology.com. Accessed September 21, 2022. https://www.numerology.com/articles/about-numerology/single-digit-number-8-meaning/.

3 McGuire, J. (2014). Apolonia. Simon & Schuster Ltd.

4 Lomas, Tim. (2018). The flavours of love: A cross-cultural lexical analysis. Journal for the Theory of Social Behaviour. 48. 10.1111/jtsb.12158.

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/322241158_The_flavours_of_love_A_cross-cultural_lexical_analysis

5 Arndt, K. (2018, April 8). The Fear of Being Alone. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/hut-her-own/201804/the-fear-being-alone

6 Hancock, Jeffrey & Toma, Catalina & Ellison, Nicole. (2007). The truth about lying in online dating profiles. 449-452. 10.1145/1240624.1240697.

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/221515634_The_truth_about_lying_in_online_dating_profiles

7 DeAngelis, Tori. “Consumerism--Too Many Choices?” Monitor on Psychology. American Psychological Association, June 2004. https://www.apa.org/monitor/jun04/toomany.

8 Heino, Rebecca & Ellison, Nicole & Gibbs, Jennifer. (2010). Relationshopping: Investigating the Market Metaphor in Online Dating. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 27. 427-447. 10.1177/0265407510361614.

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/235616450_Relationshopping_Investigating_the_Market_Metaphor_in_Online_Dating