Jay Shetty ON 4 Steps to Build Emotional Maturity

This On Purpose episode uncovers Jay Shetty's interview of Tom Bilyeu's show, Impact Theory. They discuss relationships, love, and how to build a solid, healthy relationship based on genuine trust and feelings of worthiness.

Veda Teachings

Jay Shetty shares with Tom Bilyeu the importance of being alone and the wisdom of the Vedas. When we're alone, we often hear thoughts we might not like, such as feeling behind in life compared to others. But scrolling on our devices can make us miss these thoughts.

Therefore, Jay believes the Vedas teach us to do things with good intentions and integrity. For example, even though we wish for a world without war, we must be prepared for tough times. Similarly, if we ignore our feelings of stress or anxiety, it doesn't help. Being ready for challenges lets us handle them better. The Vedas give us guidelines to live by, helping us avoid mistakes and do what's best for everyone.

Solitude Is Not the Enemy

Jay Shetty and Tom Bilyeu debate society's perception of loneliness and the value of solitude. Society often views being alone as a sign of weakness. For example, if only a few people attend your birthday party in school, you might feel unpopular. 

Yet, instead of looking at the number of guests, Jay Shetty believes you should invite only those you genuinely connect with to your celebrations. He recalls an Instagram post comparing a larger 10-pence coin to a smaller one-pound coin. Sometimes, smaller circles have greater value. 

Moreover, Jay considers solitude essential for self-awareness. When alone, you can truly hear and understand your thoughts, making sense of others' opinions without external influences. However, he doesn't recommend isolation but encourages everyone to spend at least an hour each week, free from distractions, to understand themselves.

Meditation Practice

Jay Shetty advocates for an individual approach to meditation. He recommends setting aside 10 minutes weekly to observe your thoughts to initiate yourself into the practice. Document these thoughts to gain insights into the mind's patterns. Over time, as you become more attuned to your reflection processes, you may notice repetitive and harmful thoughts. 

The overarching goal is to break out of negative thought patterns. Rather than suppressing negative thoughts, you should acknowledge, accept, and take proactive measures to address them. For instance, if the recurring idea is "I'm tired," you can cancel weekend plans or sleep earlier. Jay emphasizes the "If This Then That" strategy: if you're tired during the week, cancel plans for the weekend; if you have vital weekend engagements, sleep earlier during weekdays.

Every Beginning Is Scary

Tom Bilyeu shares with Jay Shetty that he turned to meditation during a stressful time, finding physiological relief from anxiety and stress through the practice. He emphasizes that while meditation brought him peace, it might not affect everyone. He attributes his success to a tactical approach, transforming abstract concepts into actionable steps.

Jay Shetty agrees that meditation can provide peace, but its impact varies. For some, meditation offers a break from a hectic life, but for others, especially those deeply stressed, meditation can be more about making sense of their experiences. It provides a pause, allowing people to reflect and adjust their lives accordingly. However, he acknowledges that for many, merely sitting with their thoughts can be stressful, especially if they are unsure how to process them.

Distractions and Solitude

Tom Bilyeu assumes that people avoid being alone with their thoughts because they might not respect themselves. It often leads to feelings of discomfort when faced with their introspection. Jay Shetty cites a study where participants opted to give themselves an electric shock rather than sit alone with their thoughts.¹ This behavior stems from society's conditioning to numb emotions through distractions, like scrolling on social media or engaging in addictive behaviors.

However, both acknowledged the potential benefits of short-term distraction as long as it's controlled. While meditation and introspection are crucial for self-understanding, controlled distractions can also be beneficial when used judiciously. The aim is to be comfortable and accepting of yourself, even when alone with your thoughts.

Building Emotional Connection

Tom Bilyeu brought up the importance of self-worth, especially in intimate relationships. He elaborates on the strange journey of intimacy and the abyss crossed in intimate relationships, arguing that you must be "worthy" of such relationships. 

Jay Shetty clarifies that everyone might place different importance or value on intimacy. He explains Bilyeu's high regard for intimacy using teachings from the Vedas. He stresses that relationships are not just about physical and emotional connections but also about spiritual exchange. These interactions can either harmonize or disrupt one's spiritual synergy with another.

Discussing the process of becoming "worthy," Jay Shetty cites his book, Eight Rules of Love, where he divides the journey of love into four phases:

• Preparing for love through solitude
• Practicing love in a relationship
• Protecting love
• Perfecting love

Jay asserts that true self-worth doesn't stem from external validations, like social media likes or compliments. Instead, fundamental worthiness arises when you overcome personal challenges and barriers, gaining healthy self-esteem and self-worth.

Becoming Worthy

Jay Shetty distinguishes between self-care, like going to spas and getting massages, and genuine self-love, which truly believes in your worth and accomplishments. He explains that merely repeating affirmations without genuine belief can feel insincere. Conversely, many people have accomplished tough things but don't recognize or credit themselves for them.

Using the example of his mother, who grew up in war-torn Yemen, Jay emphasizes that many people perceive their challenging experiences as "normal" because they've lived through them and don't always see their resilience. People might not value their endurance because they didn't choose the hardships. 

Jay Shetty suggests recognizing your worth and not relying on others to affirm it. When you're already confident in your abilities, the right people in your life will make you feel even more robust. In positive relationships, people should help you discover more about yourself and not merely prop up your self-worth. 

Surviving Hardships

Tom Bilyeu suggests that people without adversity, such as those born into immense wealth, often struggle with their self-image. The very act of overcoming hardships, according to Bilyeu, results in a sense of fulfillment, self-respect, and pride. 

However, Jay Shetty believes life inherently presents hardships. Still, the real challenge lies in equipping individuals with the right tools to handle them. He emphasizes the transformative role of good role models, mentors, and new experiences. For Jay, meeting a monk at a pivotal moment changed his life's trajectory. He believes most people need exposure to different perspectives and tools to navigate their challenges effectively.

Healthy Relationships

Jay Shetty identifies three primary elements essential for a successful romantic bond:

1. Liking their personality and company: Jay highlights a study suggesting you need to spend 40 hours with someone for a casual connection, 100 hours for them to be considered a friend, and 200+ hours to become a great friend.² Enjoying a partner's company for extended periods is essential.
2. Respecting their values: Most people want their partners to adopt and respect their values. However, Jay stresses respecting your partner's values rather than forcing them to accept yours. It's not about having identical values but understanding and respecting them. 
3. Commitment to their goals: Beyond merely liking or supporting a partner's goals, being actively committed to helping them achieve them is vital.

Jay asserts that people often choose the wrong partner. He references the "six opulences" - fame, wealth, power, beauty, knowledge, and renunciation. Usually, when one quality is observed, people may mistakenly ascribe other qualities to that person. For instance, if someone is wealthy, they might be assumed to be organized, or if they're attractive, they might be considered articulate. This "halo effect" can be misleading when choosing a life partner.

The 4 Stages of Trust

Jay Shetty underlines the importance of initiating every new connection from a position of "zero trust." In this perspective, zero trust is a neutral foundation, neither negative nor positive.

The next level is termed "transactional trust." The relationship is built on a clear understanding and expectation at this stage. For instance, if one person commits to performing a task, the other can trust them to complete it. According to Jay Shetty, this level of trust is fundamental in professional settings and with colleagues. However, personal relationships often overlook it because they feel too mechanical or devoid of emotional depth.

As the relationship progresses and trust is repeatedly proven, it evolves into "reciprocal trust." This stage is characterized by mutual love and appreciation. There's no tallying of favors; kindness and goodwill flow naturally. This trust level balances emotion and action, providing a sturdy foundation for the relationship.

The final level is "unconditional trust." It represents unwavering faith in another person. The challenge is that people tend to grant this level of trust prematurely. Consequently, when trust is betrayed, the emotional fall is dramatic, leading to profound pain and disappointment.

Putting in the Work

Jay Shetty believes that the premature offering of trust stems from an intrinsic human longing — to be loved and to feel worthy. Our societal narratives equate finding love with self-worth, pushing many into quickly formed relationships. He contrasts fleeting admiration (plucking a flower to admire) with genuine love (nurturing and watering it daily). True love, he explains, is not just about the transient emotion but involves daily nurturing, patience, and effort.

Jay shares a study that indicates a correlation between lavish wedding expenses and shorter marriages.³ The grandeur of a wedding might sometimes be an attempt to overcompensate for more profound issues. It might also be due to misaligned priorities or attempts to mask underlying relationship issues with grand gestures.

The Importance of Rituals

Tom Bilyeu discusses a prevailing societal trend to avoid marriage and have fewer kids. Drawing from the book The Power of Myth by Joseph Campbell, Bilyeu underscores the absence of meaningful ceremonies, such as marriage, which signify transformation and commitment.

Jay acknowledges the power of rituals and their importance in shaping our lives, emphasizing their role in Vedic culture. As he explains, rituals create imprints or impressions that guide your life, marking moments of significance. Moreover, he emphasizes the importance of clarity and commitment in relationships, meaning that couples frequently assess their relationship's direction. 

However, Jay Shetty is more concerned with the essence of the relationship rather than the institution of marriage itself. He believes that many people see marriage as the end goal rather than the starting point of a shared journey.

Spirit vs. Physical Body

Jay Shetty believes that we are all souls beyond gender, a Vedas belief. According to the Vedas, everyone is made of the same consciousness, meaning no individual is superior or inferior to another. Jay lives by these teachings and perceives people as consciousness and divine energy. 

In his philosophy, Jay elaborates that consciousness seeks physical forms to experience physical pleasures. This continues until the consciousness fully evolves and no longer requires a physical form. This advanced state of consciousness is entirely of eternal and blissful knowledge. 

Jay Shetty explains to Tom Bilyeu that the Vedic tradition believes in an eternal divine relationship with a Supreme Being, where everyone has a unique experience and relationship with each other and divinity. Relationships on earth are seen as transient.

"Life Is a Hypothesis"

Tom Bilyeu admits to being agnostic, explaining he doesn't know the truth about spiritual matters. Jay Shetty thinks that nobody genuinely knows the absolute truth. Yet, through his extensive study of theology, spirituality, and modern-day teachings, Jay has formed a hypothesis on life and spirituality, which he openly acknowledges as such. He stresses the importance of differentiating between his personal beliefs and what he shares with the world. 

Jay Shetty's mission isn't to preach but to help individuals navigate the tangible reality based on facts, truths, and experience. However, his more profound beliefs guide his moral compass, even though he doesn't impose them on others. 

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode on “<<TITLE OF PODCAST EPISODE>>” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.

¹Wilson TD, Reinhard DA, Westgate EC, Gilbert DT, Ellerbeck N, Hahn C, Brown CL, Shaked A. Social psychology. Just think: the challenges of the disengaged mind. Science. 2014 Jul 4;345(6192):75-7. doi: 10.1126/science. 1250830. PMID: 24994650; PMCID: PMC4330241.

²Hall, Jeffrey. (2018). How many hours does it take to make a friend?. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 36. 026540751876122. 10.1177/0265407518761225.

‍³Francis-Tan, Andrew and Mialon, Hugo M., ‘A Diamond is Forever’ and Other Fairy Tales: The Relationship between Wedding Expenses and Marriage Duration (September 15, 2014). Available at SSRN: https://ssrn.com/abstract=2501480 or http://dx.doi.org/10.2139/ssrn.2501480