Jay Shetty ON 3 Dates Every Couple Needs to Go On

Jay Shetty is excited to share his insights on love in his book, 8 Rules of Love. The book is a compilation of ancient wisdom paired with modern science.

Moreover, it encompasses real-life experience from his coaching sessions and direct client work.It is a compilation of different views on love, all brought under the same umbrella. You can order your copy now at 8rulesoflove.com.

In the book, Jay Shetty described three dates that every couple should go on, to deepen their relationship. They don't need to happen in a particular order. Yet they are crucial in strengthening the connection between partners and building love.

Aversion to Disagreements

In a world where we are told that fighting is terrible, people seek only good moments in a relationship. We are taught that disagreements aren't reasonable, so we avoid them at all costs.

Yet Jay Shetty posed a different question: what if "we were exposed to an unhealthy version of it, as opposed to a healthy version of it"? Knowing how to sustain a debate in a healthy way is vital for keeping the love alive.

During high school, Jay Shetty was on the debate team. He would find the flaws in the opposing team's argument and use them to win the debate. However, one of his coaching teachers approached him and asked: "Do you want to win the debate with the other person? Or do you want to learn how to have a healthy debate in your mind?"

This was a question that deeply impacted Jay Shetty. From then on, he understood the opponent's stance and his own. This way, he became better at debating. With the new information in mind, he encouraged the audience to have challenging conversations instead of running away from them. They are tools to help you learn and grow.

Deep Personal Questions

First and foremost, it is essential to understand your partner's personality. However, Jay Shetty proposes a different approach to achieving this. Instead of asking if the other person likes us or wondering how we are perceived, he recommends we assess how we view them instead.

Jay Shetty suggested answering the following questions to understand if you and your partner are compatible and if they bring out the best in you:

 
• "Do I like their personality?"
 
• "Do I enjoy their company?"
 
• "Do I like being around them?"
 
• "Do I enjoy their company?"
 
• "Is this bringing out the best in me?"
 
• "Does their personality allow me to share my personality?"

A study has shown that we must spend forty hours together to see someone as a casual connection.

1 One hundred hours make a good friend and more than two hundred make them a good, intimate friend. Therefore, asking yourself if you are willing to invest over two hundred hours to get to know your current partner is crucial.

Rather than listing what qualities you seek in a partner, Jay Shetty advises you to ponder what makes you a better person. Then, compare that to how your current partner encourages you to behave and assess if you can become that better version of yourself around them. He proposes answering the following questions: “How do I know I'm behaving at my best? How will I act when I'm at my best, or if I feel like someone's bringing the best out of me? What does that look like? What will that feel like?”

If something makes you uncomfortable about your partner, dig deeper into yourself to understand why. It may be something that goes against your values. Maybe it is something your parents didn't like about each other, and you learned to dislike that trait, too. It is essential to understand yourself before understanding others, Jay Shetty stressed.

If you love someone, it is crucial to know them deeply. So, on the first of three dates, ask them things that may reveal still unveiled facets of their personality. For example, ask about their favorite book, or about a movie they recently watched. Get to know what they are passionate about and what topics they want to learn more about. "Love is learning. Learning is love. If you love someone, you want to learn about them," Jay Shetty explained. But, he added, "Our partners can feel boring sometimes because we stopped asking interesting questions. And I feel there's always another deeper, more intimate, more powerful question we can ask our partners."

What Values Drive You?

"Our genuine, realest values are where we spend our time, where we spend our money, and where we spend our energy," Jay Shetty argued.

Sometimes we value different things than our partners. However, it is vital to understand if we like how they act based on their values and if these are following ours. You can have different ones. Askyourself: "Do I like how this person operates in the world?"

Jay Shetty advised listeners to take it slow when asking their date or partner deeply personal questions. You want it to be more of a conversation than an interview.. You share pieces of yourself and need time to take it all in. Therefore, he proposed a list of questions to discuss on your second date:

 
• "Who's the most fascinating person you've ever met?"
 
• "What's the most out-of-character thing you've ever done? or would like to do?"
 
• "Have you ever had a big plot twist in your life? How did you deal with it?"
 
• "If you won the lottery, what would you spend the money on?"
 
• "What's the most spontaneous thing you've ever done?"
 
• "What is a tough thing you dealt with in your past?"
 
• "What makes you proud?"
 
• "What would you do if you had enough money not to need a job?"

Accepting that people are different and driven by different values is important. Yet, in a relationship, it is crucial to acknowledge their diversity and accept each other as you are. Jay Shetty added, "You're never going to have the same values as someone exactly. You're never going to want to spend your time in exactly the same ways or do exactly the same things."

Ideas for The Future

Jay Shetty emphasized the importance of having conversations about goals and dreams early on in a relationship. Then, on the third date, it's natural to start sharing ideas for the future and asking more profound questions to gain insight into each other's goals and aspirations. Jay believes that in a relationship, partners should be committed to helping each other achieve their goals instead of just supporting each other's causes as friends would.

Knowing each other's goals is crucial before getting too far into the relationship. For instance, some couples who have been together for years realize too late that they have different opinions on having children. Unfortunately, this leads to questioning their relationship and feeling like they wasted time. By having uncomfortable conversations early on, partners can avoid such issues.

Jay Shetty suggests asking questions such as "Do you have a dream you'd like to fulfill one day?", "What would you like to change about your life?" and "Is there something that you think I don't know that you might want to do in like ten years' time that is important to you?" He also emphasizes that it is about something other than whether or not you like your partner's goals and whether or not you want to help them achieve those goals.

Jay Shetty explained that having deeper conversations about each other's goals and dreams early on in a relationship is crucial. It creates a foundation for supporting and building a fulfilling relationship. By being committed to helping each other achieve their goals, partners can create a stronger and more meaningful relationship. Ultimately, he encouraged the audience to prioritize meaningful and purposeful conversations in their relationships.

Small Steps Leading You Far

Jay Shetty mentioned that goals and achievements don't have to be big or overarching. They can be simple. The most important thing is whether or not partners want to help each other achieve them. He reminded listeners not to avoid uncomfortable conversations about their goals and dreams. Instead, try to approach them in a healthy and loving way. Jay Shetty encourages intimacy, connection, and positivity in these conversations.

Having open and honest conversations about each other's goals and dreams is crucial in building a solid and fulfilling relationship. Therefore, these conversations should not be avoided, even if they feel uncomfortable or awkward. Instead, partners should approach these conversations with affection, intimacy, and connection, and not as interrogations, interventions, or accusations. By being committed to helping each other achieve their goals, partners can create a stronger and more meaningful relationship.

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode on “ 3 Dates Every Couple Needs to Go On & 3 Conversations You Shouldn’t Avoid” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.

1Hall, Jeffrey. (2018). How many hours does it take to make a friend?. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 36. 026540751876122. 10.1177/0265407518761225.