Jay Shetty & Melinda Gates ON Why Your Perfectionism Has Been Draining You

Jay Shetty interviewed Melinda French Gates, co-chair of the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation and founder of Pivotal Ventures.

She reflects on her transition from Microsoft to philanthropy. She emphasized the importance of setting goals, engaging in quiet reflection, and advocating for more inclusive policies and diverse leadership to facilitate change.

Gates shares insights into her parenting approach, her internal debate over supporting contraceptive access, and stresses the importance of recognizing global inequities and actively working to create more inclusive environments.

Embracing Change

Gates shares with Jay Shetty that she embraced change early, moving to college and starting at Microsoft. She views change as an opportunity to stay open and curious about new people and experiences. This mindset was influenced by her parents' adventurous spirit and their encouragement to go to college out of state. It was later reinforced by her early travels and work in philanthropy. Gates' parents, especially her father's work with the Apollo missions, instilled in her excitement for new experiences.

Melinda Gates learned goal setting at an early age. Moreover, her education at Ursuline Academy with its emphasis on silence and service, further shaped her positive outlook on change. Gates aimed to be a professional woman and mother - her parents and schooling encouraged her to serve others and make a difference.

Core Values

Gates spends time in silence almost daily, especially in the mornings. This practice helps her reflect, connect with her inner self, and express gratitude. She also practices gratitude with her children during dinner, encouraging everyone to share what they are thankful for without criticism.

Gates explains to Jay Shetty that sharing goals with a supportive circle helps avoid criticism and fosters goal achievement. She learned to share goals only with a few trusted individuals. Gates highlights the importance of cultivating these trusting relationships throughout life to help achieve dreams and goals.

Different Opportunities

A lesson Gates learned later in life is that the world isn't equally accessible to everyone, especially for women and people of color. Her experience in computer science at Duke highlighted the disparity in training and opportunities between men and women. She shared with Jay Shetty how she learned only later in life that not everyone had equal access to opportunities.

Melinda Gates realized that many industries, including tech and politics, are not welcoming to women. As she dug deeper into the issue, she understood the systemic barriers, like the lack of diversity in the creation of the U.S. Constitution and global contraceptive access. Gates highlights the importance of addressing these barriers to create more equal opportunities.

Dealing with the Imposter Syndrome

Melinda Gates was raised in the Catholic faith. However, in spite of her religion, she advocated for access to contraceptives. In 2011-2012, she realized her voice could make a difference in advancing this issue despite the fear of backlash from her church. She found strength in spiritual guidance, like Richard Rohr's writings and Brene Brown's Daring Greatly. She told Jay Shetty that these books helped her embrace vulnerability and courage. After discussing the implications with her family and close friends, Gates felt ready to speak out, aware of the significant impact contraceptives had on women globally.

During the first ten years at the Gates Foundation, Melinda Gates often felt like an imposter because of her non-medical background. Yet a colleague highlighted Gates' unique perspective through her on-ground experience and knowledge gained through travel. So, Gates accepted her imperfections and understood her value in advocating for women's issues.

Gates believes it is essential to embrace imperfections and see the beauty in them. She advised the listeners to reflect on societal and personal messages they receive and question their validity. By accepting all parts of yourself, you become a more integrated and whole self. Moreover, she told Jay Shetty that making amends for past mistakes is equally important to live more truthfully and authentically.

Having a Close-Knit Support Group

In 2001, Gates created a spiritual group with women coming together to share wisdom. She explained to Jay Shetty that the group consists of eight women from diverse religious backgrounds who meet monthly to discuss spiritual readings and share personal experiences. They also commit to daily silent reflection and participate in annual silent retreats. This group, based on trust and mutual support, has become a central part of Gates' life.

Gates shares with Jay Shetty how the group provided her with the courage to speak publicly on controversial issues like contraceptives despite potential backlash. The group's support allowed her to navigate difficult personal and professional challenges, and it helped her integrate her values and beliefs into her public role.

The group's composition has evolved over time, with some members leaving and others joining. The trust and deep connections formed within the group have helped them support each other through important life events, including loss and personal growth. Jay Shetty highlights the value of such peer support networks: meaningful growth often comes from those who share similar life stages rather than only from mentors.

Letting Go of Perfectionism

Gates discusses with Jay Shetty her struggle with perfectionism, describing how it negatively impacted her energy and interactions. She recalls obsessing over details, like dressing perfectly and memorizing facts, which caused her unnecessary stress. Reading The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown helped her recognize and address these tendencies; she now focuses on being authentic and accepting her imperfections.

Jay Shetty and Melinda Gates agree that giving yourself grace is crucial. You can reduce self-judgment by not judging others. Gates believes accepting imperfections fosters a more integrated self and better human connections.

Healing After Divorce

Melinda Gates opened up to Jay Shetty about granting herself grace during her divorce, one of the most difficult periods in her life. She believed her marriage would last a lifetime, and divorce proved profoundly painful and contrary to her expectations. The experience was heart-wrenching, but she relied on her faith, close friends, and therapy to navigate it.

Gates prayed for grace for herself, her children, and the situation, hoping to keep the struggles private until they were ready to face them publicly. She learned to deeply feel her emotions, which she described to Jay Shetty as a "stab in the heart." It was crucial for Gates to have supportive friends who can offer hope and remind you that happiness will return, even if it feels distant during tough times. She told Jay that both sadness and joy can coexist. Yet, it is necessary to seek help from friends or a therapist to cope better with a challenging situation.

Humans are not meant to face life's difficulties alone, and community is essential for feeling secure and moving forward. Melinda Gates regularly seeks support from friends when she is in need and helps them when they seek her support.

Equal Opportunities for Women and People of Color

Currently, Melinda Gates' goal is to ensure that women and people of color can walk into their full power globally in three key areas: politics, financial empowerment, and cultural representation. Gates argues that women and people of color must be represented in policymaking to reflect diverse perspectives and create inclusive policies. She highlights to Jay Shetty the disparity in venture capital funding, which favors white male-led businesses, and stresses the need to invest in women-led and minority-led businesses.

Gates also points out the importance of breaking down social norms and biases, such as the U.S. lack of paid family leave - a policy that would benefit from more female policymakers. She mentions the necessity of systemic support, including funding women's political campaigns and providing tools to help them succeed in leadership roles. Jay Shetty agreed that visible role models are important for society's evolution. Gates believes that investing in diverse leadership can create a culture where everyone can aspire to and achieve positions of power and reflect the true diversity of society. This approach, she believes, will drive lasting, positive change.

Family Values Passed Down

Melinda Gates shared with Jay Shetty the top three values she wanted her children to embody: kindness, developing their talents, and giving back to the world. She taught her kids that they had inherent talents to discover and use for the advancement of society. Moreover, Gates instilled a sense of responsibility due to their fortunate upbringing and expected them to contribute positively to the world.

Gates mentioned the importance of maintaining normalcy in her children's lives despite their parents' fame. It involved using her maiden name, French, for school enrollments and limiting media exposure at home to shield them from their parents' public personas. She explained to Jay Shetty that their upbringing included chores and allowances to teach the value of money and responsibility. The children's access to social media and phones was limited to help them grow up grounded.

Creating a Culture of Service

Despite the conception that a culture of giving is only feasible for the wealthy, Gates believes that giving is not solely about money; time and energy are equally valuable. Therefore, she encourages the audience to start with local volunteering, which can significantly impact and foster a personal connection to service.

Gates' children were involved in community service, which supported their personal growth and understanding. She believes that everyone, regardless of financial status, can contribute positively. Jay Shetty and Gates agree that service offers profound personal benefits, creating a sense of purpose and fulfillment.

Gates quoted Ralph Waldo Emerson, who said: "What is success? [...] to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded!" She argues that true success is found in meaningful impacts on others' lives, often seen in roles like teachers and coaches, who profoundly influence students despite earning modest incomes.

Jay Shetty shares his dream of creating a "service list" to highlight individuals making significant contributions to society. He believes recognizing and celebrating service can shift societal values from wealth to impactful giving. 

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode on “Melinda Gates ON Why Your Perfectionism Has Been Draining You & 7 Reasons Why You Should Spend Time in Silence Today” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.