Jay Shetty & Mel Robbins ON How to Use the 'Let Them' Theory

Ever felt powerless, constantly trying to shape your partner's opinions or your colleague's mood? It's time to reclaim your energy.

The Let Them Theory is a mindset tool designed to release external pressures and refocus on what you can actually control—your reactions. By learning to "let them" be who they are, you pave the way for a calmer, more centered life.

On this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty sits down with best-selling author and motivational speaker Mel Robbins to discuss insights from her latest book, The Let Them Theory. Together, they explore how letting go of others' actions and setting healthier boundaries can free you from unnecessary stress while empowering your emotional well-being.

"Let Them" Differs from "Let It Go"

Mel Robbins explains to Jay Shetty the 'Let Them' Theory as a simple framework: let people be who they are, even if it's disappointing, annoying, or hurtful in the moment. This contrasts sharply with common advice to "let it go." Mel Robbins emphasizes it’s not about giving in; it’s a deliberate choice to separate our feelings from the actions of others.

When people do things that rattle us, we usually waste energy trying to control them. This effort to manage someone else's behavior only increases our stress, ironically giving the other more power. By saying "let them," we grant ourselves the psychological room to observe that person and no longer absorb their negativity. It's a protective boundary that doesn't let them walk all over us; we simply acknowledge that their behavior is theirs.

The author highlights that "let them" also delivers a subtle sense of release, helping us detach from agitation. Unlike "let it go," which can feel like surrender or denial, "let them" fosters a sense of emotional clarity and almost a light superiority—an awareness that we don't have to engage in endless cycles of worry or argument.

Robbins also explains to Jay Shetty that "let them" should be paired with "let me," reminding us that we can always decide our next move or mindset. We can choose to spend our energy on things in our control instead.

"Let Them" at Work

Mel Robbins and Jay Shetty acknowledge that work is often a major source of stress, overflowing with frustrations we can't directly control: negative co-workers, shifting team priorities, chaotic management, and endless meetings. While it’s easy to get caught up in office drama, doing so can drain your focus. "Let them" helps you stop trying to manipulate others' moods or attitudes.

The author emphasizes that "let them" is not about endorsing negative behavior but rather a way to detach from toxic dynamics and reflect on our responses. Consider how you want to think, act, and manage your emotions in challenging situations. "Let them" helps reduce reactivity to negativity, allowing for more rational decision-making regarding our careers and emotional well-being.

The Need for Control

Mel Robbins explains to Jay Shetty that humans have a primal longing for control. We feel safer when we believe we can predict or mold what's happening around us. Trying to reshape someone else's stance or fix everyone's problems provides a false sense of security.

Yet every time we try to force a friend's or colleague's behavior, it triggers conflict: their need for autonomy clashes with our desire to manage them. Mel Robbins shares with Jay Shetty that adopting a "let them" mindset breaks this negative cycle. By acknowledging that other people's feelings or behaviors aren't our responsibility to fix, we free the mental capacity to pursue the creative projects or personal growth that truly need our attention.

Communicate Openly With Your Partner

Romantic relationships often amplify the desire to "fix" each other’s habits. For example, a partner who leaves dirty dishes in the sink or arrives late can cause frustration. Instead of nagging, Jay Shetty and Mel Robbins suggest using "let them" to accept differences and encourage healthy discussions.

When a partner practices "let them," they release resentment: "Let my partner leave dishes overnight. Let them show up late." This doesn’t mean approval but instead stops the urge to criticize. Once we detach from that emotional charge, we can constructively address the issue with "let me": "Let me communicate clearly how this impacts me. Let me decide how I will respond." You learn a lot about your partner and your compatibility by doing this exercise.

Handling Delicate Family Dynamics

Family dynamics can often be filled with conflict: siblings who lack mutual effort, parents who cling to specific holiday customs, or extended family members who thrive on drama. While "let them" might initially appear to be a passive approach, Mel Robbins explains to Jay Shetty that preserving our well-being and maintaining authentic connections is the most practical way.

If family members want to criticize our life choices or adopt negative tones, we simply allow them that space—"Let them voice their opinions"—without allowing their judgments to define our self-worth. In the process, we see others more clearly. Are they truly malicious or simply set in their ways? Identifying their perspective shows self-awareness without the obligation to change.

If some relatives are consistently hurtful, we might "let them be difficult" while reassessing our boundaries—deciding how much to engage or if we should leave gatherings early. Moving from controlling our emotions to nurturing our emotional well-being is a significant change by replacing years of tension with acceptance, along with a more relaxed attitude regarding how and when we engage.

Know How to Let Them Go

Jay Shetty and Mel Robbins discuss how the 'let them' theory applies to breakups and how it can help us move forward. When someone decides to leave, "let them" acknowledges their autonomy and ends the struggle to bring them back. That clarity, however, requires painful acceptance of a reality we didn't want—"Let them walk out the door."

Mel Robbins explains to Jay Shetty that holding on to images, voice memos, or social media updates from an ex perpetuates a false sense of connection. She advocates for a 30-day digital detox from any contact or reminders of the former relationship. By eliminating these triggers, we let the old pattern dissolve and begin our path to a renewed self.

Yet "let them" doesn't trivialize grief. Mel Robbins encourages listeners to honor and process their sadness. Crying or feeling depressed is a sign of healthy emotional function, not weakness. At the same time, "let me" signals we can re-engage with our future: "Let me choose to move beyond false hopes of reconciliation. Let me adopt new habits or rearrange my environment to facilitate this change."

Scarce Communication with Friends

We live in an age of instant communication, yet many relationships fade due to unreturned texts or perceived insults. Jay Shetty and Mel Robbins talk about how "let them" reframes these common social issues; if someone doesn't respond or they stop initiating messages, "let them" forces us to see it isn't our role to control their response rate or schedule. Perhaps they're swamped with their issues or simply less enthusiastic about regular communication.

We have power in how we interpret the silence. Instead of agonizing, "let me" stands for: "Let me approach them politely if I'm concerned" or "Let me redirect my energy to other friendships if this dynamic clearly isn't working." The theory also applies if a friend repeatedly bails on plans; we can "let them" reveal their priorities. We can only answer, "Let me decide if I want to keep trying or reduce my involvement."

"Let them" doesn't have to mean ghosting or abrupt cut-offs. Robbins explains to Jay Shetty that we still have the option to discuss issues openly—asking a friend why they've grown distant. But if they give no response or repeatedly ignore us, we can't forcibly change their behavior. What we can do is release ourselves from toxic cycles of overthinking and shift our attention to those who reciprocate.

Adult Friendships

Adult friendships may seem difficult to navigate - Mel Robbins highlighted to Jay Shetty what makes them different from the bonds we have in school or college. When people are around the same age and live in the same area, three main pillars influence these connections—proximity, timing, and energy.

• Proximity: We usually forge close friendships with those near us physically. As adults move for jobs or relationships, proximity changes.
• Timing: Everyone's life path diverges—some marry, some build careers, some move continents—so daily rhythms no longer align.
• Energy: Even if we live near friends, differences in interests or outlook may shift the group's dynamic.

After our 20s, life scatters us across geographies and obligations. By recognizing these factors and allowing friends to come and go, we minimize resentment about how we believe our group "should" function. Robbins argues that "let me" motivates us to pursue new ways to build connections—going first in making invitations, reconnecting with old acquaintances, or intentionally nurturing existing friendships. Rather than perceiving these changes as betrayals, we view them as part of adult life.

Dealing with Social Media Anxiety

In a digital world, many of us hold back over potential negative judgments. Whether it's posting a photo on Instagram, launching a creative project, or speaking up in a meeting, Mel Robbins and Jay Shetty emphasize that we need to adopt a "let them" mentality toward criticism: if others disapprove, that's their right.

We can't orchestrate or predict others' thoughts. Trying to do so robs us of our authenticity. When we doubt our online posts, we give away our emotional power. By repeating "let them," we accept that we can't halt negativity anyway. Accepting that negativity is inevitable allows us to focus on our intentions and how we handle feedback.

"Let them" also boosts creativity because we're no longer paralyzed by external opinions. Jay Shetty notes that this internal shift helps us realize that if people are going to judge or gossip, they'll do it regardless of how carefully we micromanage posts or content.

When Compassion and Detachment Become Empowering

One of the hardest scenarios for "let them" is watching loved ones suffer or self-sabotage. Mel Robbins clarifies to Jay Shetty that letting people face their own challenges doesn't equate to indifference. It's about honoring their journey without trying to control it. We can still create a supportive environment by checking in on a friend with depression, assisting them with tasks, or simply being present. However, imposing solutions they haven't agreed to only escalates power struggles.

Similarly, Mel Robbins told Jay Shetty that we must also show ourselves compassion. If we can't fix a relative's problems, there's no need for guilt or blame. "Let them" acknowledges their autonomy, while "let me" reasserts that we can share resources, show patience, or offer conversations that reveal possibilities. The balance between compassion (being there for someone) and healthy detachment (allowing them to process) encourages true transformation for us and for them.

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode “Mel Robbins ON How to Use the ‘Let Them Theory’ (A Life Changing Mindset Hack That 15 Million People Can’t Stop Talking About)” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.

Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here.

Join Jay for his first ever, On Purpose Live Tour! Tickets are on sale now. Hope to see you there!