Jay Shetty & Dr. Ramani ON 2 Signs You Are Being Love-Bombed

It's not easy to understand why we fall victim to love bombing or attract narcissists.

It can leave us feeling confused, hurt, and vulnerable. But you're not alone in this experience. 

In this On Purpose episode, Dr. Ramani, a licensed clinical psychologist, shares her professional insights with Jay Shetty. In her new book, It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People, she teaches the readers how to identify when they are being the recipients of narcissistic love bomb tactics.

Narcissism – Personality Trait vs. Disorder

The term "narcissist" is widespread on social media today. However, Dr. Ramani explained to Jay Shetty that there is a distinction between narcissistic personality traits and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Narcissism is a maladaptive personality style characterized by low empathy, entitlement, and grandiosity, among other traits. NPD, on the other hand, is a clinical diagnosis made by trained therapists. It is chronic and pervasive across various relationships, regardless of their nature.

Dr. Ramani explains to Jay Shetty that most people with narcissistic traits will never receive a formal diagnosis. However, she believes that the general conversation should focus on the traits rather than the diagnosis of NPD to avoid confusion and unnecessary stigma.

While narcissistic traits can be recognized throughout history, it is only recently that the term has become popular. Psychology as a field is still relatively new, and the concept of narcissism has been widely discussed only in recent decades. Previously, authoritarian and patriarchal societal structures may have normalized narcissistic behaviors, but modern conversations have given these behaviors a name and a framework for understanding.

Dr. Ramani notes that the rise of platforms like TikTok and YouTube made discussions about narcissism more prevalent. People now have a language to describe their experiences, previously characterized as dealing with "jerks" or "selfish" individuals. Her book aims to help people understand that it's not their fault when dealing with narcissistic individuals. Moreover, she wants to provide strategies for protecting yourself without trying to change or please the narcissist.

Development of a Narcissistic Relationship

Dr. Ramani explains to Jay Shetty that narcissists are drawn to attractive traits, such as physical beauty, social status, or the ability to provide admiration and validation. It is not undesirable to have these traits, and you should remain who you are. However, it is crucial to identify a toxic narcissistic behavior before the relationship becomes too damaging.

Dr. Ramani describes to Jay Shetty, the narcissists as volcanoes with underlying shame and insecurity. Externally, they may exhibit entitlement, lack of empathy, and grandiosity. Yet these traits serve only to cover their inner turmoil or sometimes void. When the cover is disrupted, it leads to rage and anger.

When in a relationship, narcissists exhibit patterns of manipulation. Dr. Ramani listed a few to Jay Shetty: invalidation, gaslighting, rage, future faking (making promises they don't keep), blame-shifting, deceit, betrayal, lying, and neglect. Over time, a narcissist's partner begins to sacrifice their own needs only to maintain the relationship. 

Initially, it may all seem too good to be true (a phase known as love bombing). Slowly, attention will become more scarce, confusing the partner. They may start doubting themselves, leading to a trauma bond.

As the relationship progresses, the ratio of positive to negative interactions becomes equal, and the partner finds themselves trying to figure out what went wrong. The narcissist may become increasingly inconsistent in their behavior, leading their partner to feel neglected and discarded. If the partner attempts to leave, they may encounter hoovering - the narcissist tries to pull them back into the relationship, often disrupting any progress the partner has made in moving on.

What Is Wrong with Me?

From an evolutionary perspective, humans need to belong. Dr. Ramani explains to Jay Shetty that we, as a species, seek attachment and connection. In childhood, we strive to have this bond with the primary caregivers, usually the parents. Even when the parents are abusive, children cannot leave. Instead, they adapt to the environment by devaluing themselves to maintain the relationship. This behavior carries into adulthood, where people justify their partner's actions with thoughts like "everyone has bad days" or "relationships are tough."

Dr. Ramani highlights that empathic individuals are more susceptible to trauma bonding and making excuses for their partner's behavior. Society reinforces this behavior by promoting staying in relationships despite challenges. Because of these factors, people in toxic relationships will start finding excuses and justify their partner's behavior rather than challenging the status quo.

Dr. Ramani warns that the impact of narcissistic abuse is significant. She shares with Jay Shetty common symptoms among survivors, such as rumination, regret, anxiety, sadness, self-blame, self-doubt, hypervigilance, social anxiety, dissociation from personal needs, sleep disturbances, and concentration problems. Survivors will often function well in supportive environments yet suffer deeply in the abusive relationship.

Survivors develop trauma responses such as hypervigilance and empathy, whereas empathy is becoming the survival mechanism. They will often feel shame for their kindness towards their abuser. This is why Dr. Ramani emphasizes the importance of helping survivors heal yet maintain their empathy. One technique is to focus on removing the shame associated with this feeling and foster discernment in relationships.

Empathize and Disengage

Recovering from narcissistic abuse is often difficult, as it involves complex emotions. While the general advice online may be to entirely cut out toxic relationships, Dr. Ramani disagrees. She warns the listeners to take the advice on social media with a grain of salt. She told Jay Shetty that it is essential to maintain empathy yet disengage from harmful individuals. 

Dr. Ramani states that it is important to maintain empathy for narcissists without necessarily forgiving them. It is possible to empathize with their behavior without condoning or forgiving their actions. Empathy does not equal forgiveness, Dr. Ramani stressed. However, this approach may not come easy to survivors and their loved ones.

Nevertheless, forgiving is not a mandatory step in healing from narcissistic abuse. Dr. Ramani admitted to Jay Shetty that she has healed, although she has not forgiven those who harmed her. She promotes a "multiple truths" exercise, where survivors acknowledge the complexity of their feelings, such as love, hate, pity, and understanding. This exercise is aimed at helping survivors process their emotions and understand why they might feel conflicted, which will support their overall healing journey. 

Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

Dr. Ramani explains to Jay Shetty the concept of radical acceptance as an important part of healing from narcissistic abuse. It involves fully acknowledging that the narcissist won't change their behavior and understanding the impact of this behavior on yourself. By clearly recognizing and rationalizing their behavior, you are one step closer to healing. Dr. Ramani explained that it is not a magic pill but an essential step on the healing journey.

Radical acceptance is different from forgiveness; while empathy involves understanding and feeling for the narcissist, forgiveness isn't necessary for healing. Repeatedly forgiving an abuser can actually hurt you, Therefore, Dr. Ramani shares with Jay Shetty that radical acceptance also involves grieving the loss of hope - hope that the relationship may improve in the future. This is a painful step in the process.

Yet radical acceptance leads to the understanding that the narcissist won't change because their behavior and patterns are rigid. Healthy personalities, on the other hand, are flexible, adaptable, and resilient. Narcissists lack self-awareness and the motivation to change, often maintaining a delusional self-image. Accepting this reality allows you to make informed decisions about your relationships.

Get Back Into Your Body

After escaping narcissistic abuse, victims often feel lost, unable to recognize their own preferences or needs. They have been invalidated for years; therefore, they need to embark on a journey of self-discovery as part of their healing process. Dr. Ramani suggests starting by reconnecting with basic self-awareness, such as recognizing physical sensations or personal preferences. For example, she recommends simple exercises like asking yourself basic questions about hunger or pizza toppings to begin rebuilding a sense of self.

Apart from radical acceptance, another part of the healing journey is building a support system. Find trustworthy persons who can help reaffirm your perceptions and feelings and counteract the doubt and self-blame instilled by narcissistic abuse. 

The last step Dr. Ramani shared with Jay Shetty is shifting focus from toxic relationships to nurturing, reciprocal ones. They must learn to foster a supportive environment that validates and empowers the survivor. By reorienting themselves, they can rebuild their identity and resilience and move away from the damaging effects of narcissistic abuse.

Recalibration

Dr. Ramani explained to Jay Shetty that healing is non-linear. Often, survivors will oscillate between moments of self-assurance and confusion. Yet Dr. Ramani encourages them to embrace this back-and-forth as part of the recalibration process; it represents an internal struggle between the emerging individuated self and the internalized, gaslighting voice of the abuser.

It is important to go through this process in a safe environment, surrounded by supportive, validating people. Small victories are what pave the road to healing. Dr. Ramani told Jay Shetty that often, survivors don't rebuild their lives, but they create a new one from the beginning. 

Some ways of doing so are trying new activities to regain confidence and a sense of accomplishment. Dr. Ramani's book, It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People, aims to empower survivors to reclaim their identities and bring their unique gifts to the world.

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode on “Dr. Ramani ON 2 Signs You Are Being Love Bombed & 8 Ways to Know if You Are Dealing with a Narcissist” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.

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