Jay Shetty Dr. Daniel Amen ON 3 Ways to Stop Your Brain's Guilt Cycle

Are you seeking ways to support your child's growth and development? Do you wish to raise well-rounded, strong, and loving people?

In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty interviewed Dr. Daniel Amen, a renowned psychiatrist, and brain disorder specialist, as his guest. Dr. Amen is the director of the Amen Clinics, a bestselling author, and a TV programs producer.

Dr. Amen challenges conventional parenting practices and shares valuable insights on mindful parenting. In his most recent book, Raising Mentally Strong Kids: How to Combine the Power of Neuroscience with Love and Logic to Grow Confident, Kind, Responsible, and Resilient Children and Young Adults, he advocates for empowering kids through responsibility and instilling in them the value of hard work. He also discusses the pivotal role of boundaries in children's development, deepening our connection with them and mending the fragile threads of parent-child bonds.

Strong Parents Raise Strong Children

Reiterating advice from his book, Dr. Amen explains to Jay Shetty that parental modeling is crucial, as parents must first embody mental strength themselves. Being present as a parent in your child's life has a significant impact on their mental health and development, research shows.¹ 

Being clear with your intentions and allowing yourself to bond with your children can have a long-lasting impact on your relationship. Therefore, Dr. Amen advocates for effective communication and connection with children. Parents need to be proactive. They need to communicate clearly, set boundaries, and connect emotionally with their children to set them up for a stable future.

Allow Children to Make Mistakes

Discussing Love and Logic parenting², Dr. Amen explains to Jay Shetty that children should be allowed to make mistakes. He adds, "You do not solve all of your children's problems. That's the heart of love and logic. It's you want kids to make mistakes, and you want them to pay the consequences. So they learn." 

Dr. Amen shares with Jay Shetty a personal anecdote about his daughter Chloe. The young girl learned independence and responsibility when her mother stopped intervening in her homework struggles. She was presented with the outcomes of her actions and allowed to make decisions regarding her academic performance. This way, she learned responsibility and that every action has a consequence.

Dr. Amen suggests starting this approach early to instill a sense of agency in children. He opens up to Jay Shetty about his own parenting mistakes; sometimes, parents feel validated through their children's achievements, so it can be difficult to resist the temptation to solve their problems.

Research³ indicates that childhood responsibility correlates with self-esteem. Dr. Amen warns against overprotecting children because it may hinder their development of agency. Instead, find the balance between offering support and allowing kids to experience the consequences of their choices. This way, you help promote their growth into independent and mentally strong individuals.

Working early jobs and making age-appropriate decisions are also important in shaping a child's personality. However, children base their decisions on their relationship with their parental figure. For this reason, a functional family is vital for their development.

Bonding Time with Your Children

Jay Shetty raises the issue of parental discomfort when witnessing their children struggle. Dr Amen underscored the importance of prioritizing the long-term goal of raising independent and competent individuals rather than eliminating momentary discomfort. 

He suggests setting clear goals and nurturing a strong bond with children. You can do so by setting aside dedicated time and active listening. Dr. Amen advises spending 20 minutes daily engaging in activities chosen by the child. However, avoid excessive interference. It is important to be an active listener to understand the children's perspectives and effectively address their needs.

While maintaining open communication with kids is crucial, Dr. Amen explains to Jay Shetty that boundaries are just as important. This way, young people develop a sense of responsibility while feeling heard and supported. Try finding a balanced approach to parenting that fosters your child's growth and independence while providing them with the guidance and support they need.

Boundaries Are Crucial for the Development

Citing a study from the University of Oregon4, Dr. Amen discusses with Jay Shetty the impact of parenting styles on children's mental health. The study examined 10,000 families across two dimensions: firmness versus permissiveness and hostility versus love. Four parenting styles emerged: permissive and hostile, permissive and firm, loving and permissive, loving and firm.

The most detrimental parenting style was permissive and hostile. However, loving and permissive parenting also led to more mental health challenges. Because children need boundaries, the most beneficial parenting style is loving and firm.

Dr. Amen highlights to Jay Shetty the role of parents in guiding children until their frontal lobes fully develop around age 24. Personally, he is reticent about sending children away to college before their brains mature, as it can aggravate mental health issues like anxiety and depression. Dr. Amen set geographic limits for his daughter's college choices to provide proper support until her young brain completes its development. This way, he ensures proximity for ongoing support and involvement.

Just Listen

Jay Shetty reflects on the challenge of balancing limits and rules with building mental strength in children. Many parents face difficulties managing their stress and busyness while trying to connect with their kids. Dr. Daniel Amen's advice on spending 20 minutes of undirected, quality time with children is powerful. During this time, you will refrain from giving commands, asking questions, or giving directions.

Dr. Amen explains that children shut down when bombarded with commands and questions. As an experienced child psychiatrist, he emphasizes the value of engaging children in activities they enjoy, like playing games. Children feel more comfortable opening up about their thoughts and experiences through activities such as storytelling or card games. 

It is crucial to listen actively, be present, and note that children are more likely to express themselves when they feel heard and understood. Therefore, Dr. Amen suggests that simplifying interactions and reducing dialogue can greatly benefit parent-child relationships. 

Playing the Long Game

Jay Shetty and Dr. Daniel Amen discuss the challenges parents face, indulging in self-judgment and stress. They emphasize the importance of correcting mistakes and avoiding the guilt cycle. Parents must maintain a balance between firmness and kindness. Dr. Amen encourages thoughtful reflection on both good and bad days, saying, "just be curious rather than being furious."

Alicia Newman, an Olympic athlete working with Dr. Amen, sees every experience as an opportunity to win or learn. This mentality shows self-compassion, which is something that parents need to have as well. If you find yourself spiraling, it is crucial to break this cycle of negativity because it can be harmful both to you and your children.

Today's society pressures parents to spend every free minute with their children. While bonding time is important, overinvolvement in children's activities can harm their evolution. This is why Dr. Amen advocates for quality over quantity regarding common activities with children. 

Parents sometimes help their children in all endeavors because they lack intrinsic self-esteem. They will feel better about themselves if their child performs well and accumulates achievements. Dr. Amen warns that this behavior is a slippery slope. 

Prestige (coming from French) means deceit or illusion. It is therefore important to develop a healthy sense of self-esteem both as parents and children, by learning to value yourself first. By nurturing a growth mindset, fostering curiosity in children and actively listening to their needs, you can strengthen your bond over time.

Encourage Building Self-Esteem

One way to encourage building self-esteem is to empower the children to become problem-solvers. Dr. Amen shares with Jay Shetty that being overprotective as parents and intervening as soon as the child struggles could hinder their growth. It is, therefore, important to see them for who they are and celebrate their success instead of imposing your aspirations onto them.

Citing John Bowlby's attachment theory4, Dr. Amen explains to Jay Shetty how disruptions in attachment can lead to unresolved rage and self-attack patterns. Therapeutic interventions may be necessary to address these underlying issues. Physical health, particularly nutrition and sleep, is crucial in shaping a child's overall well-being. When raising a child, you must consider the biological, psychological, social, and spiritual dimensions. All these aspects are interconnected in shaping a child's development and mental resilience. 

To promote mental health in children, Dr. Amen suggests fostering a growth mindset, encouraging curiosity, and providing a supportive environment for open communication. Mindful parenting, characterized by active listening, empathy, and setting appropriate boundaries, is very important. Yet parents' mental well-being is just as important. Dr. Amen told Jay Shetty, "If your brain's not right, your mind's not right." 

Family Rules

Jay Shetty and Dr. Daniel Amen explore the concept of loving discipline and the importance of establishing rules within families. It is necessary to set clear expectations and boundaries for children. Dr. Amen explains that rules should be enforced without resorting to repeated reminders or threats. Then, adhering to consequences when rules are not followed is a crucial step in raising responsible children. Being inconsistent may be detrimental to the child's development in the long run.

Jay Shetty recalls how rules and routines were implemented in his family, such as sharing household chores with his sister. He acknowledges the value of such structures in fostering accountability and responsibility among family members. Moreover, it promoted a sense of unity and collaboration.

Dr. Amen emphasizes the importance of establishing rules and routines to help children feel capable and connected within the family. He cautions against neglecting quality time with children, which could cause them to prioritize friendships over family bonds. These could potentially expose them to negative influences in today's digital world. Opt for a balanced parenting approach that combines love and discipline to raise well-rounded, resilient children.

Social Media and Brain Development

It can be challenging for parents when their kids experience addiction to social media. Therefore, Dr. Amen suggests delaying technology use for children as long as possible because it can create familial problems and foster self-absorption. Parents model mentally strong behavior as their actions influence children's development.

However, in the era of social media, the risk of addiction is high. Dr. Amen highlights to Jay Shetty the need to protect children from its negative effects. Studies indicate social media's negative influence correlates with vulnerability to harmful influences. Social media addiction stimulates pleasure centers, leading to desensitization and a craving for increased stimulation in the brain. To counter these effects, doctors may use intervention to restore brain function and mitigate violent tendencies.

Divorce and Mindfulness

Parental separation can have a profound impact on children. While divorce isn't ideal, staying in an unhappy relationship can be worse. Dr. Amen advises against speaking negatively about the other parent. This behavior can harm the child's self-esteem and health. In order to ease the process, it is desirable to establish co-parenting strategies. 

One way to ease grief in such situations is to practice mindfulness. Jay Shetty suggests interactive activities for children, such as finding colors or shapes in nature instead of traditional seated meditation. Dr. Amen adds that children's behavior doesn't always indicate ADHD but may be due to the incomplete myelination of their nervous system. He advocates teaching self-soothing techniques from a young age to foster resilience and independence in children. However, for them to work, parents need to believe in and model these behaviors themselves.

Loving and Firm

You can show your love for the children in many ways. While spending time or solving problems may be seen as loving acts, Jay Shetty and Dr. Daniel Amen argue that love is shown by setting boundaries and teaching resilience. It is an act of love, even if it means saying no to certain desires like having a phone at a young age. Dr. Amen emphasizes the importance of being firm and kind at the same time. In his view, true love involves equipping children with the tools to navigate life confidently and responsibly. 

Equip children for life and raise them to be mentally strong. According to Dr. Amen, this should be a central focus in both families and communities. He and Jay Shetty advocate for the widespread discussion and implementation of strategies outlined in Dr. Amen's book Raising Mentally Strong Kids.

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode on “Dr. Daniel Amen: 3 Steps to Stop Your Brain’s Guilt Cycle & How to Re-Parent Yourself to Build Mental Strength” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.

¹Mikulincer M, Shaver PR. An attachment perspective on psychopathology. World Psychiatry. 2012 Feb;11(1):11-5. doi: 10.1016/j.wpsyc.2012.01.003. PMID: 22294997; PMCID: PMC3266769.

²https://www.loveandlogic.com/ 

³White, Elizabeth & Deboer, Mark & Scharf, Rebecca. (2018). Associations Between Household Chores and Childhood Self-Competency. Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics. 40. 1. 10.1097/DBP.0000000000000637. 

⁴Mcleod, Saul. “John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory.” Web log. Simply Psychology (blog), January 24, 2024. https://www.simplypsychology.org/bowlby.html.