Jay Shetty & Chris Voss ON #1 Secret Formula FBI Negotiators Use

Do you ever find yourself struggling to maintain control during crucial conversations, whether at work or in personal relationships?

What if mastering any negotiation simply involved knowing how to communicate effectively under intense pressure?

In this On Purpose episode, Jay Shetty is joined by Chris Voss, former FBI lead hostage negotiator and author of Never Split the Difference, to help you learn how to turn the tables in any negotiation. Voss shares his strategies to help you communicate more effectively under pressure and achieve better outcomes, whether you're closing a business deal or resolving conflicts at home.

From SWAT to FBI Negotiator

Voss' career shifted from being on a SWAT team to becoming a lead hostage negotiator. He enjoyed being on the SWAT team and planned to remain part of it, but after an injury, he had to reconsider his career path. He tried becoming a negotiator right after, yet his application was rejected due to lack of qualifications. To gain experience and skills, Voss then volunteered on a suicide hotline.

Chris Voss explained to Jay Shetty how the volunteering experience taught him the importance of empathy and emotional intelligence. He understood how these qualities could significantly accelerate positive outcomes in tense situations. After gaining first-hand experience in the suicide hotline, Voss eventually entered the world of hostage negotiations. There was a learning curve since hostage negotiations are a much more complex situation than one might think. Yet Voss found fulfillment in his new career.

Make Them Feel Heard

Voss shared with Jay Shetty some tips and tricks for successful negotiations. While on the suicide hotline, he learned that a deep, soothing voice is more calming for the other party. By talking like a "late-night FM DJ," as Voss calls it, he managed to de-escalate tense situations - his calmness made the other party calmer, too.

Apart from voice inflections, the negotiator highlighted the importance of labeling emotions. This technique involves identifying and acknowledging the feelings a person is experiencing. For instance, Voss calmed a panicked caller by labeling his emotion as "frantic," which immediately reduced the caller's anxiety.

Through labeling, Voss also reinforced positive emotions. He recalls a conversation where a caller, struggling with paranoia, mentioned his supportive family. Voss said to him, "It sounds like your family's really close," and empowered the caller this way. This is an approach that not only calms the person in crisis but also restores their self-confidence; it makes them feel more capable of handling challenges on their own.

Three Types of People

Voss explained to Jay Shetty how his team views the world as divided into three types: analysts, accommodators, and assertives:

• Analysts avoid conflict due to its inefficiency; they prefer to strategize and calculate outcomes.
• Accommodators focus on relationships, find conflict emotionally disturbing, and thus avoid it to maintain harmony.
• Assertives thrive on conflict and see it as a form of combat. However, they often overlook the long-term consequences of their aggressive approach.

Voss emphasizes that great negotiation isn't about winning or dominating but about effective collaboration. He sees Oprah Winfrey as a skilled negotiator. She navigates volatile environments like Hollywood without causing conflict; she has achieved success through positive, collaborative interactions.

The former FBI negotiator also shared with Jay Shetty an experience where he trained a Middle Eastern counterterrorism team. By labeling and showing understanding toward the other side's perspective, you can defuse tension and achieve better outcomes—this is how negotiation shifts from a combative to a collaborative process.

Long-Term Sight over Short-Term Pleasure

Jay Shetty highlights the importance of summarizing others' perspectives. He observed that in today's fast-paced world, people often rely on others' summaries, especially on social media. This approach may lead to a shallow understanding of complex issues.  

Voss agrees that effective summarization and negotiation are rarely modeled daily. Media often focuses on agitation for clicks and short-term profits. People lack visible examples of constructive negotiation, which makes it more difficult to practice these skills. Voss explained to Jay Shetty that real negotiation involves summarizing the other side's viewpoint to facilitate understanding and collaboration.

Voss recommends focusing on gratitude to prepare for negotiations. It helps you maintain a positive mindset and can increase cognitive function. He also suggests that, instead of aiming for "yes," you can rephrase your questions to elicit a "no." When people have the chance to say "no," they feel more secure and open to collaboration. You will avoid the trap of leading questions and can engage in a genuine dialogue, which is essential for successful negotiations.

Negotiating Like a Pro

Voss highlights to Jay Shetty common mistakes in negotiation preparation, emphasizing the dangers of asking yes/no questions too early and pitching value propositions before understanding the other party's perspective. He stresses the importance of listening to the other side first to understand their priorities. Rushing into a conversation without this understanding can lead to misalignment and missed opportunities for mutual benefit.

When faced with an incoherent or irrational opponent, Voss advises against judging their logic. Instead, he suggests focusing on patterns and emotional cues. He shares with Jay Shetty an example where recognizing a seemingly hostile negotiator's underlying stress shifted the conversation.

By labeling the other person's emotions, such as acknowledging pressure, the negotiator diffused tension and built rapport. Voss underscores that people often appear irrational due to overwhelming emotions or stress, and addressing these underlying issues can lead to more productive discussions and successful outcomes in negotiations.

Look for Patterns

Voss explains to Jay Shetty that negotiating with a narcissist is possible; to be successful, you need to align your goals with their self-centered objectives. Narcissists are driven by their desires, so positioning what you want as a step toward their goals can lead to successful negotiation. Setting firm but gentle boundaries can help determine if the narcissist will respect them. However, Voss suggests that if they don't respect your limits, it may be wise to end the relationship.

Chris Voss acknowledges that many people, especially accommodators, ignore harmful patterns due to optimism and hope. He stresses that while the world is generally supportive, it's crucial to recognize and eliminate relationships that drag you down. If you feel taken advantage of, Voss suggests realizing that enabling others doesn't help you grow. You need to set firm boundaries so that you can maintain positive relationships while also protecting yourself.

True negotiation isn't about control but about collaboration, Voss told Jay Shetty. He advises against dominating a negotiation; instead, gives the other side a sense of control for better, more sustainable outcomes. This approach is the foundation for long-term relationships and shared success.

Negotiating a Promotion

Voss explains to Jay Shetty how, when negotiating a promotion or higher salary, you need to focus on past contributions to future potential. Instead of directly asking your superior for a raise, the negotiator suggests asking how to be involved in critical projects that impact the company's strategic future. This way, you demonstrate that you're a team player eager to contribute to high-profile, business-critical activities, making you invaluable to the organization.

Voss acknowledges that not all workplace negotiations succeed, especially within companies with cultural or leadership deficiencies. If promises of promotion are unfulfilled, it's often a sign of deeper problems within the organization, which could eventually lead to its downfall. In such cases, Voss advises looking for opportunities elsewhere; that company's failure to keep promises reflects a broader issue that will likely impact its future stability and, therefore, also yours.

For short-term goals, Voss recommends using a "no-oriented" question to confront the issue without aggression, such as asking, "Do you want us to fail?" This question forces the boss to acknowledge the reality of the situation. The negotiator emphasizes the importance of being empathetic and assertive, giving the employer one clear chance to correct the situation. If your requests are not heard, it's a strong indicator that it's time to move on to a more reliable and values-aligned company.

Gender Pay Gap

When it comes to women facing the gender pay gap, Voss compares the situation to being in a bad relationship. He told Jay Shetty that if a company undervalues someone's talent based on gender, the employee should leave. He argues that paying less for talent, regardless of gender, reflects poor values and indicates a company heading for failure. Therefore, he encourages women to seek companies that value their contributions and suggests preparing to move on when necessary.

Moreover, Voss shared with Jay Shetty that 7% of all negotiations are bound to fail. In his experience, some businesses never intend to close deals but use negotiations to gather information or drive prices down. This practice is called "rabbit" in sales, and it occurs more frequently than is commonly assumed; some surveys suggest that up to 20% of negotiations fall into this category. Voss advises detecting such situations early and disengaging and instead focusing on relationships where both sides seek mutual success.

How to Negotiate Deals

When choosing whom to work with, Voss emphasizes to Jay Shetty the importance of avoiding "HALF" (hard, annoying, lame, frustrating) clients and instead focusing on the ELF (easy, lucrative, fun) clients. He argues that working for half the price is not sustainable and often leads to more problems than benefits.

Clients demanding discounts typically take more time, cause frustration, and don't lead to repeat business. This removes opportunities from better clients who would pay full price and appreciate the service. He encourages entrepreneurs to have faith and walk away from such deals despite the fear of losing income. In doing so, better opportunities will emerge.

In interpersonal relationships, it is just as important to apply tactics meant to engage the partners in a constructive dialogue. Voss told Jay Shetty that a good practice is to use "how" and "what" questions to address issues without sounding like complaints. By doing so, you encourage reflection and constructive responses. Moreover, setting boundaries is as crucial in a relationship as it is in business.

Alignment of Core Values

Chris Voss discusses with Jay Shetty the importance of aligning core values in both personal and professional relationships. He stresses that relationships succeed when we share similar values, but not necessarily identical. Therefore, he suggests evaluating whether the other party's desired behavior changes align with shared values. If they don't, it can lead to prolonged dissatisfaction. Voss and Jay agree that we need to respect different values rather than impose our own.

As his book suggests, Voss recommends "blending" rather than splitting differences; understanding others' underlying values and the reasoning behind their actions and choices often leads to better outcomes in a negotiation. Empathy is a key virtue when engaging with others, and being attuned to other's needs enables better decision-making and connection.

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode on “Chris Voss ON #1 Secret Formula FBI Negotiators Use to Always Get What They Want & 4 Ways to Apply These Tactics to Your Life” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.